Commented on by Alina.
Neo searches the matrix for the truth once again....
He found it hiding in his sock drawer.
Problem one that no one here will be able to see: No paragraphs! POWERS THAT BE, is that too much to ask? Pressing ONE key on the keyboard? A very large and prominent key?
It is also very important to capitalize the word 'matrix'. Why? Because there is THE Matrix, which is what the story assumingly involves, and there are other matrices, like computer ones and mathematical ones. I mean, for all I know, and this is assuming that I'm a very large idiot, Neo could be looking for the truth in something like this:
[2 4 5 4]
[6 6 6 6]
(Neo) In 2454....the son of Satan will rise and take over the Planet! Oh no!
An early evening on Earth around 2900 A.D.
Not that anyone could tell without a chronometer because, well, there's no sun and all.
leads us to a small hover- ship searching the sewers for the gate to Zion.
The idea is...slightly implausible. Why can't the ship just contact Zion and ask for directions?
And it's HOVERCRAFT. Minor, but it tells me that someone didn't bother to double-check his facts before publishing. That makes me believe that they really don't give a damn. May not be true, but that's what I think.
As Morpheus sits on the main deck watching for any possible glitches in the Matrix,
(Tank was on his bathroom break, and no one was driving the ship, as usual.)
we find Neo walk out into a hallway. He continues down the hallway and down a flight of steps. He then enters his quarters and sits on the iron platform with sheets and a slim mattress.
He then tried to shift from present tense to past tense.
Is this story supposed to feel like someone is describing a scene to you? Come on kids! It's vague-plot-canon-resembling storytime! Come sit around the fireplace and roast marshmallows!
Sliding a small box from out under his bed he sees a series of binary code written onto the box top. Using his hacker knowledge he reads to himself, "New Orleans, Louisiana on July 5th in 2003."
You don't need hacker knowledge to be able to read binary. And how exactly would letters and numbers translate into this at the same time? Some kind of ASCII table?
Cover your ASCIIs, man!
He opens the box and inside he finds all of his notes he has compiled on his memory and life from the past four years aboard the Nebachanezard.
Not to be confused with the Nebuchadnezzar. This was the "Knee-Bach-Gizard" ship, it's hillbilly twin from the docks.
He remembers his fatefull meeting with Agent Smith three years ago. He remembers how they had stolen his trinity
Trinity....She's not capitalized, and she's written as an object, not as a person. That is a BIG no-no. It's borderline sexist! And if it's supposed to be some kind of affectionate remark, then make it clear and put it into Neo's mouth, not the narrator's!
and how they are holding her hostage for all of the information he has.
Three years in the Matrix? And they have her hostage? How is she staying alive?
And WHAT information? I thought Neo's power was to be able to change stuff. What did they do, download a copy of "Important and Vague History that the Machines would like to know" into his brain?
Oh how he has longed for word or even knowledge of her where-about,
He was still trying to decide what was more important: knowing where she was or knowing about her.
yet he knows she is alive and has stopped Morpheus from unplugging her many times in these long three years.
Oh. That's where she is. Well, I hope they're feeding her.
This doesn't make much sense to me. Morpheus in my mind stands for faith and diligence. Look at how he never lost faith that he would find the One. Look at how he believed in Neo when Neo still refused to believe in himself!
Alas he has shown diligence and courage from defeating Smith after Smith to find information on her and where in the Matrix she is being held.
Alas, how the author forgot what a comma was, forgot to explain how Smith had returned from apparent deletion, and also forgot that Neo is the One and could probably just scan the whole Matrix and locate her in fifty seconds. Oh, woe is the fic that be wrought in such squalor!
The years have flown by, and yet..
Because, you know, all Neo has to go on for memories of his life are a few vague sentences. He's trying real hard here, give him a break!
There was a pause, he had thought he heard foot-steps,
Why is everything hypenated?
and then a knock came at the door.
(Knock) I'll RAM it! *Smashes into the door and falls down*
The knock bounced off the door and landed to the ground with a 'thud'. It had forgotten that doors were made of a solid substance called matter.
From behind the metal he heard the very familiar voice of Tank tell him it was time for lunch. He put the lid back onto the box and seeing the binary again he slid the box back under his bed. Neo changed clothes, and stood up to leave his room when he noticed the edge of the box was in plain view. He kneeled down and pushed the small shoe-like box back further into the shadows of the dimly lit room.
And thus ends the absolutely pointless addition to the action. Yey. I want to shove this in some dark corner far, far away.
Let's see...what is this story about?
Neo looking at a box! Wow! The excitement is killing me! Hold me back! He's looking at a BOX! And then, no wait for it...
He puts the box away, changes and then goes to eat!
And there's lots of walking! Wow!
Of course, there's other, more interesting stuff mentioned in the fic, like kidnappings and Morpheus almost yanking the plug from Trinity's skull, but those are vaguely referenced and not really explained. I'd like to know how Trinity was caught. What brought Morpheus to the breaking point. Why he's doing menial jobs. Where all the paragraphs and commas went. Stuff like that is important, you know.
I give it an F. Nothing new, and the usual 'damsel in distress stuff'. Yeehaw. But I SWEAR, if she turns out to be in a mysterious Victorian house, I'm suing!