By LagunaLoire/ Zelgadis Greywood
Commented on by Alina and Maddie.
WARNING: This trashing session contains SPOILERS for The Matrix Reloaded. Do not read until you've seen the film or want to be spoiled.
Alina: Here's a riddle: what's worse than bad Neo/Smith slash?
Madhatter: Uh... A bad Neo/Morpheus slash?
Alina: Nope. Bad Smith/Smith acting cute slashiness. Interested in torching?
Madhatter: ............*gags* YES! Yes I am...
Alina: My thoughts exactly.
Madhatter: Let us start!
Alina: (Morpheus) Here we go.
A Cozy Little Matrix 2: The Smith Family Matrix
Alina: This honestly sounds like a setup for a television sitcom. It's Matrix Family Values!
Alina: Bright side: it's three chapters long only. Bad news: it's by...
Alina: Save the anger, you'll need it later.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix
Madhatter: Of course you don't own the Matrix! If you did, the world would be just... more craptastical than it is!
And the Matrix Reloaded should be disclaimed as well!! You're talking about
Reloaded if there's more than one Smith!
After Neo had dispatched one of the Agent Smiths,
the rest decided they did not want to risk fighting
The One just yet.
Alina: Wimps. They outnumber him 100 to one. What are they scared of?
As they turned and began to walk away, one Smith
turned to another, the two joining hands. They had
aided each other during the fight, and each had been
more than impressed by the other.
If any of the others found this behavior odd, they did
Alina: They were no doubt as scared as I am right now. What's next, joining hands and singing Kumbaya?
Madhatter: This is... gross.
Alina: It gets worse.
Madhatter: The most they ever did was fix their ties! And reply with a "Thank you."
Alina: And they're all a singular entity! Like the Borg! Do you see Borg holding hands? Hell no! They kill things!
"I do not understand this feeling I have for you," the
Agent Smith on the left said, his voice gentle.
"I do not understand it any more than you do," the
one on the right agreed. "But I feel that, somehow,
it is right."
Alina: Where....the fuck...did this come from?
Madhatter: They're gay too...
Alina: Ooooh, they saw each other in BATTLE! And were IMPRESSED by their MAD SKILLZ! And now they're madly in love and off to have hot monkey sex? All from ONE BATTLE?
Madhatter: Hugo Weaving would cry if he read this...
Alina: If he isn't sobbing already. I wonder what the Wachowski Brothers think of all the crapfic.
Madhatter: Somehow Agent Smith has turned into a touchy feely gay guy... er... guys...
"I want to take you away from this place," the one
on the left said, gazing into his counterpart's eyes. "I
want to live, just the two of us, in a cozy little Matrix
all our own." He took his counterpart's face in his
hands, and kissed his lips with a gentle ferocity which
the other Smith returned.
Madhatter: OH GOD!
Alina: My new favorite oxymoron: gentle ferocity. It's like, he wants it to be Slash, but is afraid!
Madhatter: *aims a dagger for her eyes*
They turned and joined the other Agent Smiths as
the crowd dissipated into the programmed afternoon
of the Matrix.
Alina: There's chapter one. Fast, eh?
Madhatter: ...... I want to die... I can see why Kaiyu said this... I don't need to see right??? I want to eat my eyeballs so I can't read...
Alina: Just cover your eyes with a blindfold, it works better and you can use your eyes later!
Madhatter: And cut the feeling out of my fingers so I don't have to touch brail...Continue...
Cozy Little Matrix 2 - The Smith Family Matrix
Alina: *Hums the Brady Bunch theme*
Madhatter: The peach I just ate is not happily settling in my stomach...
Alina: I don't blame it.
"I'm Agent Smith! And I'm perfect!"
"It's ALWAYS AGENT SMITH! AGENT SMITH! AGENT SMITH! AGENT SMITH!"
(The Marsha reference.)
Agent Smith frowned, slightly at his mate, the Agent Smith
of his dreams. What was it, he wondered, that made him
somehow different from the other Smiths. They looked the
same, acted the same. But somehow, perhaps through the
bond of shared combat, this one Smith shone brighter than
the others in his eyes.
Alina: ....BAD USE OF MATE. BAD BAD BAD.
Madhatter: The Agent Smith... from his dreams??? They are ALL ALIKE! THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE! They fix ties and want to kill Neo!
Alina: They've all been in combat together! What the fuck is this shit? What, are they having a huge Smith groupie? They HATE anything that is human! I.E. THEY HATE LOVE. *Facepalms* And I hate it when someone feels the need to soften them up.
Madhatter: *pats Hugo Weavings whose sobbing back* There there... they still haven't touched Elrond.
Alina: *snorts* No. They just turned him into a lecherous old Arwen-abuser.
Alina: Poor Halfelven.
Elrond: ARWEN! BACK IN YOUR CORNER!! BACK!! *shoves a broom at her* You didn't
eat your elven bread!!!
Arwen: DADDY! I'm sorry Daddy! Daddy don't hit me!!
Alina: (!AbusiveElrond!) No more lembas for you!
Madhatter: Agent Smith: I am not longer Elrond... since you... seem not be human... you are free to go... the spoon... is not real.
"Was there some reason you made the new Smith so young?"
"It is the way humans do things when they wish to raise a
family." the second Smith explained. "Is there a problem?"
Alina: Uh....yes? Slight problem. You're both totally out of character and out of canon. Smith COPIED himself. He didn't impregnate random people!
Madhatter: Smith young?? Wha?? When the hell did this happen?
Alina: I don't know! What did they do? Steal a baby? Rape a woman with Agent sperm? Wait...bad mental image...
Madhatter: I can imagine all the 'lil sperm wearing sunglasses and 'lil suits.
Alina: Me too. And that's what's scary.
Alina: ...LET'S CONTINUE!
Madhatter: Righty o!
"None at all," the first Agent Smith replied, looking down at
the baby Agent Smith, at the small, sweet chubby face, the
Agent-style sunglasses, and the tiny three-piece suit that was
a perfect copy of the Agents' uniforms. He picked up the baby
and produced a small bottle to feed him with.
Madhatter: Sweet? CHUBBY? A baby Agent? Oh God... he might as well make the sperm have sunglasses and a suit! AND AGENTS DON'T EAT!
Yea, chubby Agents are so cute. And so scary.
(Rebel) Don't hurt me Agent!
(Baby Agent Smith) BAM BAM!
Agent Smith: What were his first words again Agent Smith?
Agent Smith: Listen to him...
Baby Agent Smith: Kill Neo...
"You want to visit the real Matrix." It was not a question.
The other Agent Smith looked up from feeding the new baby.
"Yes. I want our son to see where his fathers were created."
The first Agent Smith considered a moment, then nodded.
"Why not?" He smiled.
Alina: ....Wha? There's a pretend Matrix now?
Madhatter: Remember from the first paragraph... They created their OWN matrix...However the hell they did that I dunno... Apparently he hasn't seen the second movie.
Alina: Oh yea.....but all the details as to how and why they were allowed to get away with it are not there. So...no.
Madhatter: Because the AGENTS didn't create the Matrix... the Architect did.
Alina: He didn't even see a trailer, I'd wager, because it's made rather clear in the trailers how Smith copies himself. And Smith was being hunted down! By other Agents!
Alina: *Shakes head* Chapter 2 is complete. One more.
Madhatter: I know what this is... They aren't the Agents... couldn't be... they are the Men in Black... yah... that's it...This isn't a fic for the Matrix... it's a fic for a whole other movie.
Alina: Yes....gay men in black....that have altered their genetic makeup to match Hugo Weaving's...
Madhatter: They just kinda... stuck Agent Smith's name and are talking about a math problem when referring to the Matrix.
Alina: God, I hate matrices. Mathematical pains in the ass.
Madhatter: That... that has to be it... otherwise I'll be traumatized for life... *grabs Alina* PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S WHAT IT IS!
Alina: That's exactly it. At least I think so.
Cozy Little Matrix 3 - Love Is Spelled S-M-I-T-H
Madhatter: Gooood... Good... It's not Agent Smith... it's Will Smith... yah... that hasta be it.
Alina: And retard is spelled "Z-E-L-G-A-D-I-S G-R-E-Y-W-O-O-D" (Spelling error intended).
Neo and Trinity walked, hand-in-hand, through
the park. Though they were free of the Matrix,
and the Construct was safer, they felt a sense
of Nostalgia about this city that existed only in
Alina: Like they'd be stupid enough to go walking around in public like that. That is all I have to say.
Madhatter: Happily too...
Alina: Yea. It's like someone injected all the characters in this fic with a happy needle.
Madhatter: At this point an Agent would appear in a bystandard and pull out a gun on them.
Madhatter: Or the goons of a French talking program is after them now.
Alina: Oooo! I love the Merovingian. :D And Persephone. Hell, I want them all! Give me the whole sexy Matrix cast!
Madhatter: I second that notion!
Alina: Including all minor characters! I want a Sparks! And a Ghost! And a Niobe! And Ice, and Gaia, and....(you get the idea.)
Madhatter: I loved that part where Trinity pulls a gun out on Persephone... ER let's get back on the subject!
Alina: Me too ^^;;
They had met there, first in the nightclub, then
in the rain under the 9th Street Bridge. They had
worked as a team to save their leader, Morpheus.
*eye twitches* ADAM Street Bridge idiot!
(Merovingian) Maudit tabernac estie!
Madhatter: Morpheus... is not... forgotten??
Alina: Morpheus is referred to in passing. A sort of acknowledgment of his existence.
Madhatter: Hey! It's something!
Alina: Yes. XD
They stopped along the path for a moment to enjoy the
programmed fragrance if Trinity's favorite flowers, It was
then that Neo spotted two Agent Smiths. One was pushing
a baby carriage, the other was walking alongside the first,
in a way that reminded Neo of the way he walked with
Alina: This is so sugar coated....I've lost my taste for sweets for all eternity.
Madhatter: And then a full grown agent popped out of the carriage and shot them!
Alina: And I just hope that the Agents don't fool around like Neo and Trinity, who make it look damn YUMMY! Whoops, off topic again. ^^;; Yes! Agent killings now!
Madhatter: Not that I want Trinity or Neo shot or anything... but in this case it's Tranity...
Alina: Yes, and this isn't Neo, this is Noone.
Alina: And "Smith" is....Agent John D'oh! (Sorry, I got carried away with puns).
The carriage-pushing Agent spotted them and waved.
"Mr. and Mrs. Anderson," he called to them. "I'm mildly
surprised to see you here."
Madhatter: ...er...Neo and Trinity aren't married...
Alina: (Agent D'oh) Yes! Come near me, mortal enemy, so you can KILL me and put me out of my misery!
Madhatter: And then... An agent popped out of the carriage and shot them!! (I'm not giving up on this...This has to happen...)
Alina: We'll MAKE it happen.
Madhatter: Even if it's the... ugh *shudders*... Baby Smith poppin up... with the words, "Kill Neo" comin outta his putrid 'lil mouth.
Alina: At least then the canon would be relatively intact.
"We are not married," Trinity said, sick to death of everyone
playing matchmaker between her and Neo. "I doubt Neo
would ever consider such a thing, all things considered."
Madhatter: That's it...
Alina: I'm considering consideration.
Madhatter: Zelgadis must DIE. HOW DARE HE! Trinity and Neo are madly in love!
Alina: I second the notion. If nothing else, the image of Neo-and-Trinity-madly-in-love-and-unable-to-stay-out-of-each-other's-pants must be maintained!
Madhatter: How can he say that Neo and Trinity would never get married though!! Neo took the choice of the salvation of Trinity over the salvation of Zion! CMON! Tell me that they aren't madly in love and that they would never consider marriage... *holds out a gun pointed at anyone who would make that transgression*
Alina: I don't think they would marry per se, but they're definitely joined at the hip for eternity. In the heart and mind, they are one. No need for an institution to ratify it. But still fun to get all decked out in pretty clothes. ^^
Madhatter: Yes... but still.. If they had the chance... avoiding Agents and Squiddies alike... I think they'd tie the knot.
Alina: I agree.
"He might surprise you," Smith gave Neo a hinting smile.
"I got married not too long ago, and that's not something
we Agents normally do. So if we are capable of falling in
love..." he let the rest of the sentence hang there. It didn't
need to be said.
Madhatter: He already has surprised me... in a gut-wrenching way...
Alina: ..."not something they NORMALLY do"? You mean marriage is an Agent Institution? WHAT THE HELL? *Can't process the concept of other Agents getting all cuddly*
Madhatter: Yes... it's not okay for gay people to get married, but since they are agents they are allowed to.
Curiosity got the better of Neo and he approached the
Alina: You know the next line..."And then... An agent popped out of the carriage and shot them!!"
Madhatter: And it killed him!!
The Agent Smith pushing it drew a Desert Eagle and
leveled it at Neo.
Alina: Better, getting better. Now THAT makes sense. WHY doesn't make sense, but it makes sense that he'd want to kill him.
Madhatter: Well, a bit more... I still can't see an agent pushing a carriage...Driving a car... doing kung fu... but pushing a carriage? Just... horrible... writing...
Alina: Legible, but horrible ideas.
Neo did not fight. He recognized the reaction as that
of a father protecting his child. "I will not harm your
child. I am only curious."
"Let him look," the Smith who had been talking to
Trinity said, his voice reassuring. "He will not harm
the little one."
Alina: Trinity would not TALK to Agents. She would SHOOT.
Madhatter: Seriously! Little one my ass...
Alina: *Bangs her head on the table* The fic is burning my eyes!
Madhatter: And then!... An Agent jumps out of the carriage and shoots him!
Madhatter: Curiosity killed the cat right? In this case it killed the Noone... and the Tranity!
Alina: And then the D'ohs did a jig and DIED!
Neo looked in the carriage, then up at the two
Agent Smiths who seemed to be quite proud of
their new baby.
"He has your sunglasses," he told the first Agent
Smith in a conversational tone, then, turning to
the other added, "and your suit. You must be
Alina: That is the most disgusting line anyone has ever put into a fanfiction. It...sucks. Not even remotely witty.
Madhatter: *face turns green* Do you happen to have one of those emergency air bags??
Alina: I have a...paper bag? *hands it over*
Madhatter: That'll work... *Turns around... the sound of retching and spewing can be heard*
"I can assure you that we are indeed proud of
our son, Mr. Anderson."
"The first Agent to bear what you would call a
"Really?" Neo was curious. What would an Agent
name his child? What name would suit an Agent
like Smith, so proud, so strong, and perhaps even
noble in his own way.
The first Smith who had spoken told him.
"His name is Leo."
Madhatter: MUST KILL....NOW!!!!!
Alina: Just then, out of the foliage of the park, two women decked in rebel-style clothing appeared. "HOLD IT!" one demanded, causing everyone to freeze frame.
Without hesitation, the other woman (who was wearing a top hat) drew a gun (which by no coincidence looked exactly like an Agent-issue Desert Eagle), and shot the baby.
'Sorry Smithy, but Leo's going to the great recycling bin in the sky," she quipped.
Madhatter: (I take it the one in the Top Hat would be moi?)
Alina: Yesh ^^;;
Madhatter: WOO HOO! And then! An agent jumps out of the carriage and shoots everyone... except the women in the rebel clothing...
The end ^_^
Alina: Boom. Grade? BONFIRE. Major mangling of all canon characters to the point of VOMIT.
Madhatter: This is such trash... This is such horrible horrible trash... Grade? Bonfire Times TEN! Incinerate the bitch till there's nothing left to see!
Alina: I think we need a new grade level. The last fic we did, Gypsy voted for Inferno/atomic explosion.
Madhatter: Yes.... yes... Atomic explosion...Nuke the biatch!!
Madhatter: New grading... NUKE
Alina: Yay! *applause*