Creatures of Darkness by Archy and Riverview

Commented on (sorta) by Kaiyu and Alina.

HAHAHA THIS IS SO FUNNY TO US! Elrond locks his neice and her friend up and forgets about them...they become rabid creatures of darkness terriozing rivendell. this was funny to us! but that may be cuse of our inside jokes! HEHEHEHE READ PLEASE!!!

Alina: Is that by darth-padme?

Kaiyu: No. By that Archy chick.

Alina: Okay.


Alina: *HL!!!*

Kaiyu: Do you wanna spoof this fic? XD

Alina: Lets go.

Archy ran up to Riverview and grinned, “I want to have some fun! Let us bug the people at this inn!”

Riverview was picking her nose at the time “okay” she responded. Archy smiled and glanced around the room

Alina:...This thing mocks itself.

Kaiyu: That makes it easier.

Alina: No it doesn't!

Kaiyu: What inn? Setting placed outside of dialogue is irrelevant!

“Let’s bug her!” Archy cried pointing at a lone elf.

“How should we start?” Asked Riverview

Archy rolled her eyes and ‘pranced’ over to the elf “Greetings!” she said plopping herself next to the lonely elf.

Kaiyu: There's an elf?

Alina: Apparently.

Kaiyu: Excuse me while I 'run' to the bathroom and 'vomit'!

Alina: But I doubt she was lonely.

Kaiyu: She went over to the elf. And plopped by the elf....You'd think she'd at least wear a diaper.

Alina: Or get to the nearest chamber pot.

Kaiyu: *Sighs*

“Helllooooo what upy?” asked Riverview

“Get away from me now baka elves!” The elf replied.

“No comprendé seniorita” giggled Riverview.

Kaiyu: Baka elves? ;.;

Alina: They're Japanese-Spanish elvish people!

Kaiyu: If she's an elf, why does she refer to these chicks as if she ISN'T an elf?...At least not a Jaspanglish elf.

Alina: Maybe there's racism in the elves corner, depending on how pointy your ears are.

Archy smirked “well aren’t you nice! So what is your name?”

“Elwen, and I do not care about yours. I suppose you are not planning on leaving me are you?”

Riverview grinned stupidly, Elwen shook her head “I thought not,” she smirked and dumped her drink all over Archy “I hate annoying beings!”

Kaiyu: Elves weren't this bitchy. But hey! She hates fangirls too! I like Elwen already.

“I hate annoying beings!” Riverview said dumping her drink all over herself. Elwen scowled and stood up to walk out but just as she did she grabbed a bottle of maple syrup and dumped it on the both of them.

Archy and Riverview looked at each other “Let us go look for another victim” Riverview said with a smile, then she giggled at Archy’s sticky hair.

Kaiyu: They must really like being covered in sticky goo to let her hold the maple syrup above them for that long.

Alina: Now why on earth would Elwen have dropped maple syrup on them? I would have called up whoever deals with the crazies in Middle Earth.

Kaiyu: Elwen's leaving? Aw. I'm done. u.u

She put her hand out to touch it and then attempted to remove it. However it was stuck. Archy blinked the put her hand in Riverview’s hair and tried to pull it back out.

“STICKY!” Archy squealed happily “LIKE SNOW DROPPINGS!” Riverview, being her crazy little self decided to take it one step further. She grabbed Archy’s head and started licking her hair.

Alina: You know what? Let's see these chicks do this in public, not in pretend public. Then I may develop more respect for them.

Kaiyu: ......This is getting kinky. This is like the opening to a really bad lesbian porn flick.

Alina: All we need is the crappy music. And Honeyfeather. XD

Kaiyu: Bow-chik-a-bow-dow...No, we don't need Honeyfeather, because she sounds like another sticky fluid.

“Riverview stop licking my head!” Archy yelled! By then other people in the inn were starting started to pay attention, a few even started to scoot away looking a them like they were rabid animals. Riverview and Archy just continued on with their stupidity. Arch grinned, wondering if maple syrup tasted any better in hair.

“May I help you ladies?” Asked the manager

Alina: There is one good thing about this fic: the spelling is good.

Kaiyu: She likes it. She likes it!

Alina: But that's about it. I feel obliged to point that out, though.
(Manager) can I show you to somewhere...more intimate?

Kaiyu: Another random character appears from nowhere! Who is this mysterious 'manager,' and what does he 'want' from our heroines?

Alina: I know what he wants - to kick them out of his establishment, which was perfectly respectable until now!

Kaiyu: That or to horn in on the kinky lesbian action.

Alina: (Manager) I pay you 20 gold pieces.
(Riverview) I charge too much. You cannot afford me.

Kaiyu: Let's continue.

“haha ladies? But no thank you, were great! Thanks for asking” said Archy picking up some more maple syrup and dumping it all over her, she handed it to Riverview who did the same. The manager just “sweat dropped” he picked up a pair of tongs he kept in the inn for when ever the two would make an unexpected visit. Which seemed to be everyday and threw them out with it.

Alina: The manager is my hero!

Kaiyu: He isn't mine. He didn't get them out of the fic. Plus he sweatdropped. Middle Earth hasn't been animated since Bakshi, and even then it wasn't Japanese.

“I have not had this much fun since we did this yesterday! Lets do it again sometime.” Chuckled Riverview.

“Hey, let’s go visit my Uncle Elrond!” grinned Archy. The two mischievous elves ran off to Elrond’s “lair”

They reached Elrond’s house thingy and Riverview grinned, “Let’s make your uncle a sandwich!”

“Yeah!!!” said Riverviw

Alina: The fic is slowly degenerating as it goes by. You can tell that the sugar-high used to write it is increasing in force.


Alina: nananananananaELFCAVE!

Kaiyu: nananananananELROND.

Alina: ELFMAN!

They soon found Elrond and ran into his sides so each one was sticking to an arm, because of the syrup. Elrond looked shocked he lifted his left arm to come face to face with Riverview

“llo Elrond!” cried Riverview. He lowered his arm and raised his right one to come face to face with a much uglier creature, his neice Archy greeted him.

Alina: It takes how long to travel from the only inn mentioned in LOTR to Rivendell? A month?

Kaiyu: They're stuck to his armpits, apparently.

Alina: And they're STILL covered in the syrup? This is an insult to maple syrup everywhere! They should be using corn syrup!

Kaiyu: NO ONE likes Corn Syrup.

Alina: But it's the main ingredient in pretend maple syrup.

Kaiyu: *Somewhere, A bottle of corn syrup weeps in a corner.*

“Hio uncle Elrond!” cheered Archy happily.

“uhh…hello you two…” Replied Elrond. He started to lif his left arm rapidly wanting to rid himself or Riverview.

“whee! This is fun..more..more..more………UGGGGHHHHHH I don’t feel so good… … … Oh well! Whee!” was what Riverviw said.

Alina: O.o ...No comment.

Kaiyu: ...........UGGGGHHHHHH describes my emotional state pretty well, actually.

“Uncle..” Archy whined “me too! Do me too!” As Elrond was doing what looked like lifting elves, Archy brought up a very disturbing question “uhh Riverview? What are we supposed to do when Uncle has to go potty?” As if on queue the whole world seemed to stop moving.

Alina: Do me? Excuse me? INCEST!

Kaiyu: Which is more disturbing: Elf incest or Elrond evacuating his bowels?

Alina: Is this a rhetorical question?

Kaiyu: Maybe. I'm not sure anymore.

“Well you are NOT going to stay with me!!! That’s for sure!” yelled Elrond. Now faster then ever he began shaking his arms violently. He was making very sad attempts to rid himself of this evilness. After all else failed, a light came on. Elrond ran to the river he dunked his arms under the icy cold water. Finale, he was free.

Kaiyu: Run, Elrond! Run for your life!

Alina:.....and there was much rejoicing in Rivendell. (yay.)

Kaiyu: I feel happy for all these people escaping the fic.

Alina: Me too.

Elrond scooped them up

“I think you two need time from the world you are picking up some……interesting…..habits from your surroundings. Down to the cellar you go!” Although secretly Elrond was just tired of the different weird things they did to him every day

Kaiyu: As he damn well should be.

Alina: His reaction is normal. Lock them up and pray they never come out. But we know that's wrong. Can't you remember that Frodo tried that with the one ring?
(Frodo) Nobody knows they're down there...Do they Gandalf?

Kaiyu: Elly, are they going to kill Uncle Elrond?

Alina: I hope not. Because then I'll have to get evil. I also don't want to know what odd things they were doing to him. It sounds too kinky. The porno theme keeps coming back to haunt me mommy!

Kaiyu: Let's get this over with.

“Dashing through the mush on a one eared uncle (at this point she bit his ear) through the halls we go laughing all the way! Cries of horror ring making our sprits bright oh what fun it is to ride…over the hills and through the woods to THE CELLAR WE GO!” Archy sung, switching songs at the end.

Alina: : They are mocking CHRISTAMS CAROLS? That's just wrong.

Kaiyu: This reminds me of the time I got drunk at that one party and tried to eat my friend's nose.

Alina: Did it taste good?

Kaiyu: I never found out. He hurt me. ;.;

Elrond looked at her scared “riigght..yes down to the cellar” he said. Archy and Riverview just blinked stupidly. Elrond looked them up in the deepest darkest cellar hey had. A few weeks had passed since the little incident with the two elves. A guard was talking with Elrond.

Kaiyu: And time passed really really quickly.

Alina: And they somehow didn't starve. I guess Elrond shoved bits of food under the door or something for them to chew on.

Kaiyu: Unfortunately.

“Well its been a while since we have seen your neice and her friend and they used to come here every day!”

Alina: WTF?

Kaiyu: I understand the words in that sentence, but not the sentence itself.

Alina: Me too. It's like a Dada poem. Or Dada phrase. You get the idea.

“OH SHOOT!” cried Elrond “I totally forgot about them!” but he wondered if secretly he WANTED to forget about them. Elrond leapt up and ran in an excellent fashion. He threw open the door.

“Archy! Riverview! Are you two o…” Before Elrond could finish his sentence two hisses came from the shadows “kay?” Elrond asked finishing. Two bodies came rushing toward the door.

Alina: "he wondered if secretly he WANTED to forget about them." Elrond, do you really need to ask that question?

Kaiyu: I'm praying that they're cave trolls that ate the girls.

Alina: And now the cave trolls are attacking Elrond? I don't know if that's better or worse.

“OH MY GOSH!” Elrond yelled leaping out of the door and slamming it behind him just in the nick of time. “OI! What have I done?” Riverview and Archy began scratching the door and hissing the door like creatures of darkness, for indeed that was what they had become. Elrond shuddered; He called two of his guards over.

Alina: Oi! It's a Jewish Elf! Run Rabbii Elrond! Run like the wind!

Kaiyu: Oiiii, I've got a little verklempt in my shmegeggie...Poor Elrond. He doesn't need this.

Alina: Neither do we. But the difference between us is, we're doing this voluntarily.

“Watch these two.” He said.

“Yes sir.” The replied. At that very moment Riverview and Archy started hissing and clawing at the door. Archy howled loudly and Riverview joined her. The two guards gave Elrond a disturb look.

Kaiyu: A look of DISTURB!

Alina: (Riverview) Hello, Elrond....*hissing and spitting*

Kaiyu: Hey, they're my neighbor's kids.

Alina: (Hannibal) Hello Clarice....

“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” He reassured them. The he added “just don’t open the door…under any circumstances.”

“Y-y-y-y-y-yes sir” They replied. Elrond look at the cellar door shuddered and walked off “Those will be the fourth ones this month! Memo to self REMEMBER TO LET THE ONES YOU PUT IN CELLARS OUT end of memo”

Kaiyu: Mental Note. This story induces death in small animals. End mental note.

Alina: They'll be fine, sure. But we won't. I've been traumatized.

The two guards sat down and started humming, not very long humming came from the cell. The guard stood up and walked over to window and looked in Archy and Riverview were swaying back in forth humming.

Alina: It's a satanic chant! Cover your ears! Cover your ears elves!

Kaiyu: They're humming the Ketchup song. It's too late for them. ;.;

“Awwww don’t they sounds so sad?” the guard asked

“Don’t listen to them!” yelled the guard.

“But the looks so sweet and innocent!”

“NO DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!” yelled the second guard.

Alina: This is so cliche. And totally ripped from a bajillion rip-off slasher films.

Kaiyu: Which guard is saying what now?

Alina: No clue. The way I see it, one guard talks to himself, and then the second one reminds him not to open the door.

“But they’re sooo cute! I’m going to go play with them!” The guard put the key into the door and began to open it.

“ ‘AVE YH’E GONE MAD MAN!? ‘ave yh’e lost yh’e marbles?!?! Grey pu-pon! Grey pu-pon! Calculations! Preneumonoultramicroscopicvolcanoconeiosis!! Barry Botts every favor bean! You DOTARD!!! Lugbuz! Potassium?!? OHI JUST CANT WAIT TO BE KING?!?!?!?!?!?! Turtle Turkcyes!!!! THIS IS WORSE THAN CATPULTING THOSE LITTLE INK AND ORANGE BUNNIES ACROSS THE RIVER WITH A WONDER-BRA!!!!!! YOU IDIOT!

Kaiyu: ............................No.

Alina: Kaiyu, make it stop. It's hurting me!

Kaiyu: I'm going to go die now.

Alina: I'll join you. Tonight, on another episode of...DRAT! The fic made me forget to watch Clone High ;.;

Kaiyu: Nooooo! ;_;

Alina: (Tonight on another episode of Burning Dumpter: Kaiyu and Alina decide to Die.)

“Hey, wait a second. I can understand all the others, but “idiot”? And besides, I had nothing to do with the catapulting the bunnies..okay, fine I had everything to do with it but that’s not the point! I’m going to play with them!”

Riverview started rubbing up against him. He smiled and reached down to pet her *SNAP* Riverview bit his hand and started to gnaw.

Alina: Ewww....this is a bad porno flick.

Kaiyu: He's petting her snap? That's not right.

Alina: You're telling me.

Kaiyu: That's statutory rape. u.u

Alina: I feel like I don't actually have to do anything to mock the fic - it mocks itself. Rape to whom, the elf guard, or to the crazies?

Kaiyu: The crazies.

Alina: I don't think they really care. They strike me as pretty raunchy.


Archy crawled over and yanked him up into her web. She hissed as a showe dropped to the ground. Riverview pounced on it and began chewing.

Alina: What's a showe?


Kaiyu: ...Wow.

Alina: (Ed) One...two...six...four...KONICHIWA!!
See? THAT'S how it's done!

Kaiyu: I applaud the incoherency.

Riverview was crawling up the door hissing at the light, then started to “Communicate” With Archy. “Click-click-clackitty-clack”

Alina: Yackity yak. Don't talk back.

Kaiyu: And I'm starting to "hang" myself in the "corner".

Alina: Morse code is not a good way to communicate. Today, I will allow you to actually go through with that. *hands Kaiyu a noose*

Kaiyu: "Thank" "You".

Archy responded “Clacitty-clack-clook=click wee-woo wee-oooo-waaoohhwaooh, nahyyyhooooooEE!

The guard outside ran to Elrond “Elrond! Elrond! Little Timmy has fallen into the well! Bark Bark!”

“What the.."

Kaiyu: ...Hell?

Alina: I think the fic got to him.

Kaiyu: Poor guy. He never knew what hit him.

Alina: No was such a tragedy...

“opps…wrong story..dang authors…what I mean to say is they go tim…no wait that’s not righ I mean Dob..i mean it Joseph? No I mean homer simpson..DOH!!

“The other guard, Carol?” Elrond said getting annoyed.

“Yes, that’s him Carol Annabel to be exact! Well you see they got him!”

Alina: I can see the bottom of the fic! *cheers* We're going to make it!

“Oh great.” Replied Elrond as he raced to the cell. “Did you open Pandora’s box..I mean the door?!?” yelled Elrond,

“He did. I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t listen to me! I’m so misunderstood!!!” the guard pulled out a stuffed tooth and held it close to his side while sucking his thumb. Elrond edge around him looking weirdly at him and walked into the other room. Riverview was still chewing on the boot.

“Well there’s Riverview” Elrond said shuddering “but where is Archy?” A loud hiss came from a corner, followed by the faint sound of the guard’s voice.

“Help me!”

Elrond grabbed a torch and held it up the corner Archy had spun a web and had the guard in it. She was finishing spinning up him in it.

“UH-OH” Elrond said

Alina: Sorry, I just couldn't stand to wait.

Kaiyu: Wanted to get it over with as soon as possible? Me too.

Alina: Is it that obvious? Can we just grade it and shove it where it deserves to be?

Kaiyu: Yeah. Bonfire?

Alina: Is THAT a rhetorical question? I hope not. *tosses the fic in with some gasoline*