What Else Could Go Wrong? by Jade Dakota Evalon (taken off somewhere on fanfiction.net)

Commented on by Kaiyu, Maddie, and Alina.

Kaiyu: Oh dear god. This isn't the one I was looking for, but... It has a Sue.

Alina: Sues! they're so easy to pick out.

Kaiyu: A pretty bad one. Who speaks Otakulish.

What Else Could Go Wrong? by Jade Dakota Evalon

Testament, Dizzy, Johnny, May and Erin meet a strange runaway girl. What will happen when they find out who she is and what her intentions are?

Kaiyu: ...I don't think there was a girl named Erin in Guilty Gear, either.

Alina: Doubt it.

Kaiyu: So I think we have two Sues. Wanna try this one?

Alina: Sure. I'll try my best!

What Else Could Go Wrong?
Disclaimer: I don’t own Guilty Gear X2 or any of its characters! I only own Raven! Also I’m putting it in here for lack of better category!

Kaiyu: Actually, you don't own Raven, either. ;_;

Alina: Raven. That's such a typical Sue name.

Kaiyu: Raven is a canon character. He's a gear. ;_;

Alina: Whoops. Ignore that statement.

Kaiyu: So she's claiming him as her OMG HAWT BISHOUNEN.

Also, I’m not really sure about the character’s personalities so I’m just doing what I interpreted about the characters from playing the game… Please don’t blame me if their personalities are really mixed up or they’re just not acting like they probably would! And I know, I’m starting out her my made-up character, but hey! This is just the prologue!

Kaiyu: Elly, you don't know the fandom at all, but what do you make of this statement?

Alina: That the author is too lazy to do any research and is going to write the fic from a purely subjective point of view. WHICH MEANS that the fic will only make sense from her perspective.

Kaiyu: See? It's not so hard. :3;;

Prologue: Don’t tell me what to do!

Kaiyu: How about... write a good fic? :3;;

Alina: Honey, you're asking us TO tell you now. It's like when you tell a kid not to stare at the sun. What do they do? They do the opposite!

“It’s a beautiful morning!!” a lavender haired girl sang happily in Japanese. You could tell she originally came from Japan by just her voice (and her fast speaking)…

Kaiyu: (And the fact that she was speaking in Japanese.)

Alina: What? They don't speak Swahili there?

It was a sunny day. She was happy. It was over a year after the announcement of another Gear- like the infamous Gear Justice- that had a mind of it’s own.

Kaiyu: I don't know if she's referring to Justice or not. if she was, this sets the period four years before the current timeline. If she isn't, it sets it in the future. So I'm stumped.

Alina: And there were pretty flowers and happy bunnies hopping all over the fields, singing! *gags*

She looked out across the field over toward the ocean. Ever since moving from England to Australia, things had been a little more peaceful in the young girls life.

Kaiyu: Okay. She's in a FIELD OCEAN, and I though she was JAPANESE. T_T

Alina: Plus she was now open to a 90% increase in skin cancer, with Australia's ozone layer being next to non-existent.

Kaiyu: Also, a side note. In the Guilty gear Canon, all the Japanese are quarrantined because they've been almost completely wiped out. So. Uh. Why is she here?

Alina: Maybe she's only half-Japanese, or has spent her life claiming she was actually of another Asian descent? Not that that would make much more sense; I'm sure Aisians can distinguish between, for example, Japanese people and Chinese people based on a few facial characteristics.

Although she was only fourteen, she had her fair share of past problems. And the Gears were only one of them. She wanted to fight for them… To help them… She knew what it was like to be a slave.

Kaiyu: Okay, uh... A) The gears have all been wiped out. And B) They're mindless killing machines.

Alina: *sighs* Just clarify, has the life expectancy seriously dropped in this canon so that someone who was 14 would be like a 14 year old in medieval times?


She had been one at one time when she was younger. Her real parents gave her to a man and a woman, of which had no children, so she wouldn’t have to live her whole life in slavery. She had been six at the time. She couldn’t remember her parents. But she had rid herself of all problems after the Last Rebel Gear- as she called it- had disappeared out of site and moved on with her life…

Kaiyu: Pointless angst, much?

Alina: Yes. No one would have noticed that she looked like a Japanese.
(Security) Oh, you're living with British people that look nothing like you. You must be their biological child.
Pointless and illogical.

Kaiyu: She's also a gear, apparantly, so she's either going to be A) Metallic, B) Have extra appandages, or C) Superpowers. I'm guessing superpowers, how about you?

Alina: Superpowers, unless the appendages can be concealed.

Kaiyu: Or appendages AND superpowers.

Or at least she thought she had moved on with her life. She had worried no more about her real family… Until recently…

Kaiyu: Prepare for angst! SHIELDS UP!

Alina: Meep.

Kaiyu: All systems GO!

Her only problem now was trying to get her adoptive mother to promise her freedom when she turned sixteen. Most girls wanted to stay with their family and marry, but not this girl! She wanted to fight.

Alina: She makes it sound like she IS a slave!

Kaiyu: Oh, yeah, you know, girls are always marrying their brothers.

Alina: I mean, if it were so bad, she could just get emancipated.

“Raven! Raven! Where are you!” a female voice called. Raven hid behind a large boulder.

Alina: Jeez, she's going to be so hard to find if she's just hiding behind a rock.

“Raven Lynn Valentine! I demand you come out this instant!!” her adoptive mother called again.
“No! Not until you promise!” Raven shouted in reply.

Kaiyu: ......wait. So... this ISN'T the canon Raven.

Alina: I doubted. This is someone prancing around as the real Raven, correct?

Kaiyu: The real Raven's a guy. Not a fourteen year old angsty gear. In fact, let's see here... One of the characters, Dizzy, is a gear. Dizzy is three years old. Dizzy looks like she is eighteen. Fakeraven is fourteen. Fakeraven should look considerably older, don't you think?

Alina: Is this due to genetic manipulation/accelerated growth?

Kaiyu: Yes, I'd assume so.

Alina: Okay. So, she's a Gear. How rare is that attribute?

Kaiyu: There were a lot of them. They're basically animals infused with magic or some other technological stuff. They've kind of all been KILLED OFF.

Alina: So in our present timeline...rare. More Suvian traits?

Kaiyu: There are a few left, sure, but there's like.... FOUR OR FIVE OF THEM. In the canon, there's... Sol, the prototype, who's over 200... Dizzy, Testament, Raven, POSSIBLY I-no, and Justice, who's dead. So five at the max.

Alina: Five out of....roughly six billion....riiiiiiight....

Kaiyu: And what's the chance that two of them have the same name?

Alina: Even less.

“I cannot promise such a thing! Raven, this is nonsense! What would your father think?!” her adoptive mother stood in plain sight. Her long red hair was dark compared to Raven’s short lavender hair.
“I don’t care what father would think!”
“You two used to care about what each other thought about everything! Dear, he even asked what you thought of him fighting the Gear!” her adoptive mother shouted

Kaiyu: Thanks for the distinctive comment about their hair. It was really important to the story.

Alina: Apparently, it helps the reader get a better idea of the scene, since facial expressions and atmosphere can't do that at all.

“Well, it’s his own fault that he was killed by *Seigi! He should’ve known he was no match for anyone with that much strength and ability!”

Kaiyu: Seigi, apparently, is Japanese for Justice. His name was Justice. In English. His name was NOT Seigi.

Alina: What does it really mean? Salad?

Kaiyu: You, dear heart, have made an ass out of yourself with OTAKUSPEEK 8D.

“What have I told you about saying that name!”
“I say whatever I want! They should have never made Gears in the first place! Then they wouldn’t have had this stupid problem! Then father would still be alive, and you wouldn’t have to worry ’bout me saying the name of some Gear the you totally hate!” Raven shook her head. She had stopped crying long ago and had no tears to shed for anyone or anythin

Alina: Awww....so now we have to be like, "wow, she's tough" even though the author has been trying to butter us up with sympathy.

Kaiyu: Didn't she say something about wanting to help the gears?

Alina: Yes. Massive contradiction.

All she had was pride, hatred, anger, happiness, and pain. But even in pain, she never cried…… Her pride was a strong thing…

Alina: She just said that she used to cry! WTF?

Kaiyu: The ellipses signify her angst.

Alina: If you ask me, ellipses are overused. Even I use them too much.

Kaiyu: I hate ellipseses. A lot.

“Raven!!! Stop this nonsense! I am getting tired of this!”
“What do I care! Promise me! Then maybe you won’t have to worry ‘bout this!” she stood on the boulder.
“Raven… Please… Stop this……” the older woman looked at the short fourteen-year-old sadly.
“Promise me! Then I’ll stop! Until then, I’m just going to keep giving you trouble!” she shouted.

Alina: It sounds like her mother is a pushover. What's the problem?

Kaiyu: I feel bad for her mom.

Alina: Me too.

Kaiyu: She seems so nice. She doesn't need to put up from the daughter with superpowers from hell.

“Raven, it is dangerous out there… I just do not want you to get hurt… Come inside the house now.”
“Don’t tell me what to do! You aren’t even my real mother! You thought just because I’d live here in luxury I’d forget that I’m a slave! I’m a fighter! That’s that! You can’t change me by protecting me under your wing! I’m not a little girl anymore! I’m a big girl now! I can take care of myself!

Kaiyu: She dresses herself and everything!

Alina: (Raven) I wear pull-ups! I'm a big kid now!

Kaiyu: This kid is absolutely horrible. ;_;

Alina: You're telling me. If I ever met this kid, I'd be annoyed out of my mind.

All I want is you to let me go on my sixteenth birthday!” Raven glared at her adoptive mother.
“But that is only four days away!”
“So! I’m more than prepared!”

Kaiyu: I think in this world they skip odd numbered ages or something.

Alina: (Raven) I've got all my stuff packed, and my money, and....

Kaiyu: Fourteen... sixteen.... eighteen... So, by the time they're nine, they're all ready for college.

Alina: It's leap year counting.
(Pirate King) You're only 5, and a LITTLE bit.

Kaiyu: All I ask for is SOME continuity. She's 14? 15? WHAT?

Alina: This is fun, even when I don't know what's going on! ^_^ If it's this easy for me to trash, I'm afraid about how you're going to treat the rest of it.

“No you are not! You are not ready for what lies behind the house and the field and the ocean! You will never be prepared!”
“Fuck you!” she shouted, angrier than ever.

Kaiyu: I can imagine life with Raven. "Here, honey, have some pie!"

Alina: Such a potty mouth!

She ran. She ran into the house. Many maids were pushed aside… Into the wall, into the glass display cabinets, into the couches, into the chairs, into the small glass tables, into the stair railings. Everything… She could hear her adoptive mother shouting: “Raven!Raven, Stop! Raven!”……She didn’t stop until she came to her room…

Kaiyu: They sure have a lot of maids.

Alina: Maids? This girl has it MADE.

Kaiyu: Although half of them are, like, dead now. The union will hear about this.

As her adoptive mother shouted for her to unlock her door and come out, she packed what she would need, and grabbed her weapon, a staff made of strong metal…

Alina: Aluminum foil staff!

Kaiyu: You know, one of the things about Guilty Gear was the sheer oddness of the fighting style. One guy fights with fans, another with Yo-yos, another with a giant scalpel. Guitars, pool cues, even one character's own hair.

Alina: So this is...odd in the fact that it's not odd? gotcha.

Kaiyu: So let's just counteract all of that by fighting with something incredibly mundane.

She jumped out the window, landing on two feet. She was prepared to leave.

Kaiyu: "Oh, sorry, Mr. Johnson! I didn't see your feet there."

Alina: How far down exactly did she jump?

Kaiyu: I have no clue.

She ran to the beach. She entered a small familiar cave, of which her raft was hidden. She untied the raft, and set out across the ocean, not knowing that what she was about to see, hear, and do, would change her life forever………

Alina: Okay. in that case, I'll assume less than a story. Anymore and she'd have broken her legs. Did she think about bringing food, a map, a compass, a lifejacket? (This is a rhetorical question that answers itself.)

Kaiyu: You should know better. She's a Sue, she can survive on her cherry-flavored offuse.

Alina: I know. But it's still necessary to drag the readers back to reality.

To Be Countinued………

Alina: NO!

Kaiyu: I love countinued. It's a great word. There's another chapter.

Alina: Meep.

Kaiyu: What's your perspective on it so far?

Alina: Mary Sue crapulence.

Kaiyu: Isn't it?

Alina: Uh...yea? I don't even need to know any Guilty Gear canon to see that.

Kaiyu: I like the fact that she took the name of a canon character.

Alina: Me too. It adds to the confusion.

Part Two