Profile written for a Final Fantasy VII RPG. Commented on by Kaiyu and Alina.
Name: Sion Barzahd.
Alina says:
I think, I can't read my writing.
Kaiyu says: Sion Barzahd!?!?
Alina says: Bioharzard!
Kaiyu says: That's another copy.
Alina says: Really??! *Feels stupid* Reference?
Kaiyu says: Sion Barzahd was the main character of the Squaresoft Game "The
Bouncer".
Alina says: LOL. Well, he's no bouncer here.
Age: 19
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 215 lbs.
Alina says:
Idon't think the overweight was done purposely.
Kaiyu says: He could just be really, really muscular.
Alina says: Perhaps.
Kaiyu says: Wasn't Barret 215 lbs and the same height?
Alina says: I don't remember actually.
Eyes: Blue (Green
when in Sephiroth transformation)
Hair: Black (White when in Sephiroth transformation)
Alina says:
It's a Sephy clone! Yay! *hurls*
Kaiyu says: ...Sephiroth transformation. Hojo, you rascal, you, infecting all
those women with clones of your son. Is it one of the Sephiroth clones, or what?
Alina says: Wait...you'll find out....
Kaiyu says: I thought they all died, anyway.
Clothes: Like Cloud's (shirt, pants, combat boots, assorted armour, etc.)
Alina says:
And I thought he was refering to his Wall Market dress.
Kaiyu says: He's a Cloud AND Sephiroth AND Sion clone.
Alina says: Plus he forgot to wear his underwear.
Hometown: Mideel.
Alina says:
Land of the poison Mako people.
Kaiyu says: Nice town. Destroyed town, but nice town. Of course, it stayed destroyed.
Not like that freak Wutai.
Alina says: LoL.
Bio: Before Lucrecia began living in the cave, she came across a man that she feel deeply in love with, they had a child together, and named him Sion.
Kaiyu says:
Lucrecia didn't begin living in the cave.
Kaiyu says: She was DEAD.
Alina says: (Random man) Ilove you. Have sex with me.
Kaiyu says: She was a GHOST.
GHOST SEX.
Alina says: Ghost pregnancy!
Kaiyu says: Ghost Labor!
Kaiyu says: Lucrecia: *Panting, Wheezing, holding onto Ghost husband's hand*
"GIVE ME THE GHOST DRUGS!"
Not wanting her child to be hunted down by Shinra, she fled to Mideel. She left Sion ona couple's doorstep with a note explaining their situation, then ran off.
Alina says:
"No, seriously! My first son turned into a homocidal maniac, but that won't
happen with this one! I promise!"
Kaiyu says: 9_9 The fact that this guy does not realize that Lucrecia is DEAD
amuses me.
Alina says: Me too. ^^
Kaiyu says: Moving on. ^^
The couple felt like they had no choice but to take him in as their own.
Alina says:
Adoption agencies and tossing him into the ocean never crossed their minds.
Kaiyu says: Cliche, but not a crime. It wouldn't have crossed my mind either.
Alina says: Anyhoo...
Kaiyu says: Of course, he's the son of a ghost, so he doesn't really exist.
I'd probably just see an empty basket on my doorstep.
When Sion was
2 years old, he accidentally fell into the Lifestream.
Alina says: AND HE TURNED INTO A WEAPON THAT CAN MAKE KILTS!
Kaiyu says: If I can remember, the Lifestream surfaced due to an earthquake.
There was really nowhere for him TO fall into.
Alina says: Maybe his parents tried to bury him. Or threw him into a hot spring
that was connected to the Lifestream.
Kaiyu says: But he's a ghost, so maybe he can pass through solid rock that way.
After nearly drowning in Mako, Sion made a full recovery.
Alina says:
LoL. Ghosts make great recoveries.
Kaiyu says: After he nearly died, he was okay!
Sion grew up leading the normal life of a kid/teenager. But when he was 16, he realized tht he was far from normal.
Kaiyu says:
He was, after all, made of ectoplasm.
Alina
says: (Sion) Why in hell do I have breasts AND testicles?!
Kaiyu says: Kid/teenagers are always normal. There's no differentiation.
He noticed he was much stronger and faster than most of the kids his age.
Alina says:
All one homogenous mixture of skin and bones.
Kaiyu says: Of course, his entire class was wheelchair bound or otherwise crippled.
But who's counting?
He was lifting weights that were nearly 5 time heavier than his own body weight; he was outrunning some of the fastest animals in the nearby woods.
Alina says:
Like the one-legged turtle.
Kaiyu says: Of course, being a ghost he didn't weight anything. What's five
times zero?
Alina says: 0!
Kaiyu says: Just checking.
Alina says: Ok.
He was amazed by these discoveries, but his parents knew what was happening. It was when he fell in the Lifestream; he was gaining thse abilities from the mako inside his body.
Kaiyu says:
"Mom, I've been getting this hair all over my body, and my voice is changing
and..."
"It's the lifestream, dear."
One day, a group of Shinra Soldiers attacked the rebuilt Mideel. There were countless injuries to go along with the many deaths. Sion was enraged by this and vowed to destroy the Shinra once and for all.
Alina says:
Ah yes, countless because he never learned to count past 12.
Kaiyu says: Why does everyone hate ShinRa?
Kaiyu says: They never attacked randomly.
Alina says: Because it's the thing to do.
Alina says: I know! That's why they were cool. They had PLANS.
Kaiyu says: Hey, look, a town! Let's destroy it.
Alina says: Burn baby burn!
Kaiyu says: "Okay!" And didn't Mideel have, like , 10 people?
Alina says:
9 of whom are senior citizens? Plus one cat?
Kaiyu says: It's the Boca Rattan of the FFVII world!
Occupation: doesn't really have one, but does work as a mercenary to get by.
Kaiyu says:
Then he's a mercenary.
Alina says: I...uh...break stuff for cash...er...gil....
Kaiyu says: That, in fact, is an occupation, albeit a dull, commonplace one
in RPGS.
Alina says: Why so many people require mercenaries, I don't know.
Kaiyu says: If you want to be a roguish character, there's many occupations!
Bounty Hunters! Thieves! Spies! Travelling Merchants! Andry Circus performers!
Weapon: A Murasume
and Ultima Weapon.
Armour: Mystile
Accessory: Necklace given to him by his mother (Lucrecia put it in the carriage
she left him in. It contains the Master materia.)
Kaiyu says:
Pirates! Fishermen! Underground Mole people!
Alina says: Weapon: stolen from Cloud, stolen from Cloud or Sephy depending
on whether or not he spelled it right.
Armor: Original considering no one really thinks of using it.
Kaiyu says: A Murasame AND an Ultima weapon? How does he not fall down!?!
Alina says: Maybe he has four hands? And remember? super-strength ghost.
Kaiyu says: And he's got a master materia. A GHOSTLY master materia.
Alina says: What kind of materia, we're not sure. so it's either a holy, a black
materia, or a master something!
Kaiyu says: It's just an "All" materia. That's it. Good to pawn off,
though. So, he's set for life, and he never knew it. Just SELL that thing and
settle down! You don't have to be jobless-er-I-mean-a-mercenary anymore!
Limit Breaks:
Lv1: Braver, Big Brawl
Lv.2: Final Heaven, Climhazzard-Deathblow
Lv.3: Omnislash, Ultima Beam
Lv4: Sephiroth (transformation)
Alina says:
I shall combine the limit breaks of three people and one WEAPON and reign supreme
on all ye puny mortals!
Kaiyu says: Does it explain why he transforms into Sephiroth?
Alina says: No.
Kaiyu says: Okay.
Alina says: We assume it is because he is Sephy's brother.
Kaiyu says: Half-brother.
Alina says: And it's the Lifestream, dear.
Kaiyu says: Half-brother-ghost.
Alina says: When in doubt, just blame the Lifestream.
Kaiyu says: Are we ready to grade?
Alina says: One bit left.
Kaiyu says: Okay.
Xtra skills: Limit Breaks come very easily, uses all types of magic and summons, and his Ultima Weapon is NOT like Cloud's. It's more powerful, thus he must summon it. He can transform into a Sephiroth, very well rounded in hand to hand combat.
Alina says:
"It's more powerful, thus he must summon it" Okay! Sure!
Kaiyu says: It's MORE powerful.
Alina says: We cannot emphasize the more powerfulness of his Ultima Weapon.
Alina says: ...oi.
Kaiyu says: ...No. Ready to grade.
Alina says: And?
Kaiyu says: Since I would not want to speak ill of the dead, I cannot give Sion
Barzahd a proper grade. However, if he WERE alive, I would say that he is a
copy of three characters, has a piddlingly stupid background, and has godmoder
and powergamer written all over him. Were he not dead already, I would wish
grave injury on him, and give him the BONFIRE grade.
Alina says: This profile is cliched, a shameless copy of characters in order
to look cooler than him, is a blatent Gary Stu, and makes no logical sense.
Who cares if he's not technically alive, he gets an F. (Note: I now change this
to BONFIRE after further reflection- Alina).
Kaiyu says: XD