Beware the Mechanical Nun!

Profile written for a Final Fantasy Tactics RPG. Commented on by Kaiyu and Madhatter.

Kaiyu says: Let's see! This is Kyleen, the "Sister" Mary Sue that attached herself to my character at the hip.

Madhatter says: Ah yes, the supposed character that was not made by her but by her sister. Supposedly.

Kaiyu says: Everyone in the RPG: "Dani doesn't have a sister."

Madhatter says: Oh yes she does!! And she has a transvestite brother with three horns on his head!

Kaiyu says: Oh! You mean Bob.

Madhatter says: Folks, that's a no no. Don't ever make a character and claim that it's made by someone else when it's really by you. It pisses off the GMs. :3

Character Name: Kyleen Satrois
Zodiac Sign: Libra
Job Class: Engineer
Birth date: October 23, 1379
Age: 18

Madhatter says: Satrois? Satrois...How do you pronounce that? Is it like Sat Wah?

Kaiyu says: It's not meant to be pronounced, it's a Sue name.

Madhatter says: Ah ho!

Kaiyu says: Well, so far, things seem pretty tame, don't they? She's not 9,000 billon and looks 18. Yet.

Madhatter says: I betcha five bucks this chick ain't anything like a Libra...But she was born in October...and on October 23... is that a Libra or a Scorpio? My best friend was born on the 31st and she's a Scorpio...

Kaiyu says: I think that's on the cusp. It's cutting it a little close.

Weight: 150 lbs.
Height: 5' 7

Kaiyu says: Well, this is a little refreshing as well. She's not rail thin. But I'm guessing that Dani actually weighed herself for the profile. Because, dear heart, Kyleen is a Sue.

Madhatter says: More than likely, but we're not even in the juicy, bad tasting stuff yet.

Gender: Female
Eye Color: green

Madhatter says: Ahhh, greeeeeeeeeeeen! Green like spring! Green is such a pretty color. Good choice for eyeballs.

Kaiyu says: Up to this point, you wouldn't think the profile was so bad. But all good things do come to an end.

Madhatter says: Of course they come to an end! Why else would it be up here?

Hair Color/Style: Shoulder length slivery green blue hair. Nothing to big in the style version of it

Kaiyu says: And here it starts. What. The. Fuck. That's three colors blended into one.

Madhatter says: Silvery green blue? Ummmmm... major highlights? She's perfect though! You’re forgetting that. She has to have strange colored hair that's designed perfectly!

Kaiyu says: "Nothing to big in the style version of it" What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Is she BALD? Does she have hat hair? Why is the grammar so bad?

Madhatter says: I'm surprised she hasn't thrown any pink in there.

Kaiyu says: I'm waiting for it.

Madhatter says: *Taps fingers* Patience, patience... it will come.

Character Description: Normal height, Kyleen has a normal body with nothing really standing out beside the fact her muscles are well toned from when she was training at the monastery. Her skin is a healthy color from all the work she does outside.

Madhatter says: She's an engineer from a monastery?

Kaiyu says: I...guess...

Madhatter says: I thought most monks shunned technology? You know that whole, "VIBE with Nature."

Kaiyu says: Normal body with nothing standing out. Then I assume, perhaps, that she is like a turtle; with her legs and head safely tucked inside her torso.

Madhatter says: Yes...well at least she's flat chested...

As for an outfit, she normally wears her maniacs outfit. In has a white one piece swimsuit like thing for the base of it, but it has black buttons running up the front.

Kaiyu says: Maniac's outfit? She's escaped from the asylum!

Madhatter says: Er... uh oh.

Kaiyu says: Kyleen: *Skipping around, flailing straitjacketed arms* HANDS, HANDS, LET ME TASTE YOUR HANDS!

Her skirt hangs a little off he hips and in the back has a long piece of material hanging down with the symbol small of her family on the back.

Madhatter says: BUTT CRACK!!

Kaiyu says: This is much more vague than that yellow shirt. What's a symbol small? Symbol Small of her Family on the back?...What?

Madhatter says: I dunno. I take it she's referring to the small of her back...You know...more of those typos. But it's ok! She's a Sue!

The shirt has a sailor like collar and green tie, and her boots come up to just below her skirt and have high heels.

Madhatter says: Didn't she already describe her shirt? This description just confuses me...

Kaiyu says: Her collar was much more like a seafaring pirate, actually.

Madhatter says: Oh! Her skirt has high heels! Fascinating!

Kaiyu says: It makes me sad; I'm sure there was some amount of effort put into thinking up a costume. Now, if only her brain could piece that together with grammar.

Likes: Antti, monks, monasteries, machines, puzzles, cooking, going fast, no alcoholic beverages, and her surrogate monk da

Madhatter says: Her surrogate monk da?? DA DA!! DA DA DA!

Kaiyu says: How bizarre. *Ahem.* Antti was my character; an ex-monastic monk. And Likes No Alcoholic Beverages? Isn't that, uh, Dislikes?

Madhatter says: Raised by a monk with love for machines? Wow, aren't her priorities fudged up.

Kaiyu says: Hell yes.

Madhatter says: A Monk DA nontheless.

Dislikes: Her fiancé, the men who work for her, Antti's addiction to prostitutes, liars, most men, self absorbed women

Kaiyu says: Since when was my Antti addicted to prostitutes!? Reading into what isn't there. Grar. Especially when it's done with MY CHARACTER, BEYOTCH.

Madhatter says: He was just lonely...and needed company from what I remember reading. The only thing he was addicted to was alcohol wasn't it?

Kaiyu says: Oh, yeah. Antti lurved ze drink.

Weapons: her main weapon is gun

Kaiyu says:.....That's it.

Madhatter says: But it IS gun. It's not A gun, it IS gun...

Kaiyu says: Is it too much to ask to type the letter "a"? Or add a period at the end of a sentence? And didn't the GM say that there were no guns allowed?

Madhatter says: I believe so. But that's not something to be to qualmy about. I mean, after all, it is her word over the almighty GM's, you know?

Kaiyu says: *Sighs*

Character's Skills/Magic: Kyleen's skills and magic mostly revolve around things that help her outside of battle, rather then in considering a gun is powerful in it's own righ


Kaiyu says: Mustadio didn't have magic in his class, I think...

Fix: Kyleen can fix virtually anything. Machines to torn clothing to food, Kyleen can most likely build of fix it in a decent amount of time

Kaiyu says: NO! By definition, an engineer ENGINEERS things. He or she would be fixing mechanical devices. JUST mechanical devices.

Madhatter says: Ah, I got some info back. Her whole deal with using magic outside of the gun is impossible. The only way for an Engineer to use magic is WITH the gun. And dude, you should know better. She's a Sue, a Sue can do ANYTHING because she’s a perfect l’il girl.

Kaiyu says: This whole fixing bit is a plea to make her character SUPAR PWARFOOL!!!!

Good eye: Kyleen can pick good or high quality things from bad or lower quality things. She can't judge people very well with this skill, but she can pick out the best thing in a pile and name a value on it that is almost always dead on. Anything from machine parts, to potions, to weapons, clothing, or even cooking ingredients.

Kaiyu says: *Shrugs* At least this skill is somewhat novel, if unfitting to the character.

Madhatter says: Ah... so... she's an antique dealer now... What was that other word for them? Ah, yes! An appraiser! So whatever happened to her being an Engineer?

Dead eye: Kyleen can shoot her gun (and other projectile weapons she knows how to work) with no penalties from odd positions. I.E. while flipping in the air, hanging upside down, standing on one leg, doing the hokey pokey, etc. Ect. Ect. The weaknesses however is that she can't go Rambo when she is like this and can only do one shot at a time.
After one shot, she needs to relocate the next target and focus before she shoots, leaving a blank spot in there.

Kaiyu says: You put your left Sue in, you put your left Sue out...

Madhatter says: Let's see her do it while playing Twister!! No one can do that while playing TWISTER.

Kaiyu says: At least this one fits her character and has a little (VERY little) bit of weakness.

Madhatter says: Yeah, that is true... I still say she can't do it while playing Twister. Her hand would be to busy on the left red dot....

Kaiyu says: Maybe she'd shoot herself in the head.

Madhatter says: Wouldn't that be lovely? It would save you from eating your eyeballs again.

Abnormal status: Kyleen has a special case of bullets that have status effects to them. They don't kill, bout they can give the poison, sleep, slow, slice, and blind. These bullets are hard for her to make and are rather pricey to get the materials so she doesn't use them ofte

Madhatter says: Often. Is the 'n' so hard to type? Well, at least she's not rich... Oh wait! *smacks forehead* She lives in a monestary where things such as technology doesn't exist!

Kaiyu says: You'd think that, wouldn't you? Her character has money up the wazoo. Just you wait.

Madhatter says: *Waits for this headache to kick in*

Personality: Sweet, kind and energetic, Kyleen is your normal 18 year old girl who was sheltered most her life.

Madhatter says: Oooh, looky! Sueness is already written all over this..."I'm... I'm sheltered... but I'm special because I'm perfect so I don't have to worry about adapting to outside life!"

Kyleen has a short fused temper and tends to be a bit of a drama queen, but it only lasts a few minutes. She is loyal to the end to her friends and try's her hardest to make them happy.

Kaiyu says: Short temper, Drama Queen: Faux Flaws, in this instance. It's obvious that Dani's creator admires these abilities.

Madhatter says: Ah! But she's loyal... Oh so loyal... You’re a good lil Sue! Yes oo are!

Kaiyu says: Not the fucking nobility again. ALL Sues have this! Why are they all so fucking noble?

Madhatter says: Ah, the rich up to wazoo kicking in. It's kicking me so hard that it's really starting to hurt.

Most of the time she will put them in front of herself just to see them happy.

Kaiyu says: *Shakes head* Good for her. >>;

Madhatter says: She'll put them in front of herself to catch a bullet.

Kaiyu says: Fuckin' altruistic Sue-ism.

The biggest influence on her life though is Antti. She believes almost everything he says and would never break a promise to him of all people.

Kaiyu says: (Antti: Go shoot yourself in the fwakin' head, bitch!)
(Kyleen: Okay! *Bang*)
Well, there. That solved everything.

Madhatter says: Yes, yes it would. And we all Cheered! *in drone like voice* Yay.

Also, her monk father is high up on her list of trusted people, and he can do no wrong and is always right

Madhatter says: Oh yes... welll we'll save that for the history, so just hold on.

Kaiyu says: *Snorts*

Madhatter says: Unless you just want to skip all of that and call it trash?

Kaiyu says: I wish.

Despite how nice she is around her friends, she is a bitch when at work. Everyone fears her and with good reason. All the people are men and they never listen, so she is easily ticked off.

Madhatter says: Oh, hey! Look at that! The men don't listen! Gee, I wonder why?

Kaiyu says: She's a Sue who gets ticked off when people don't listen. If we could get away with it, no one would RP with her. Kyleen would be pissed all the time.

Madhatter says: Ah yes.... of course we could fix that real easily. QUICK! Give me a string and some bubble gum!

Also her fiancé and father make her mad and she becomes a smart alck and clod hearted, not speaking much and yelling and/or using sarcasm.

Kaiyu says: Wait, I thought she liked her dad.

Madhatter says: And a little turn here, and a twist there, and...Oh. Back to the profile. Yeah...her dad.

Kaiyu says: Screaming while remaining silent is an amazing thing.

Madhatter says: She's CLOD hearted...What in the world is a Clod?

Kaiyu says: An idiot. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Madhatter says: Ah. That explains it.

In general, if you're her friend, you have gained a life long one that will stick by you in hard times as well as good. If she is mad at you, watch out. You might have just made your worst enemy

Kaiyu says: No, dear, you're wrong. Kyleen's worst enemy is the Angry profile Reveiwer.

Madhatter says: ......Why does it seem she like just picked stuff out of random profiles?

Kaiyu says: of the suckage.

Madhatter says: Ok! Ok! Now I just need a piece of tape and we'll be all set.

Kaiyu says: What are you doing with that gum and string, anyway?

Madhatter says: Just you wait.

Back-story: Kyleen was born from a noble woman and chief mechanic father from opposing sides of the world.

Kaiyu says: Oh, so she's Canadian-American?

Her mother, not wanting her one time fling man to find out that she had bore a child ordered to have Kyleen killed.

Kaiyu says: Uh, what? Was her dad the fling, or was it another guy?

Madhatter says: I think it was another guy! You know... Harold... from down the street. You know Harold, he's extremely rich and only fathers perfect daughters!

Kaiyu says: And if it WAS another guy, why is she fawning over this guy she met once? "Oh! I'm sorry, Mr. Fling! I'll kill my daughter right away. Do you think we can squeeze in another quickie?"

The guard ordered to do it however, couldn't bring himself to do it. He left her on the ground in the woods near the monastery and left her.

Madhatter says: No, the GUARD ordered to do it. Not the father, NO NO, he has no say, neither does the mother. It's the damn Guard.

Kaiyu says: Redundancy, Redundancy~~yy~~yyyy! There's two "Do it"s, and apparently he left her, came back, and left her again.

Madhatter says: Wow, don't you hate it when that happens? He musta forgot his wallet or something.

Soon, one of the high monk's followers found her and brought her in. All the monks loved her, and she loved them back.

Madhatter says: They ALL loved her. Notice the all. Without exception.

Kaiyu says: Well, considering she was the only girl in an all-male monastery... Little slut.

Madhatter says: Heh, fresh meat.

However, one little boy named Antti was her best friend. Kyleen and the red head were inseparable from one another and trained together.

Kaiyu says: Kyleen: ANTTI! LOVE ME!
Antti: No! Get your hand out of there! ;____;

Madhatter says: You know... In all actuality they probably would have left her out there to die in reality. Females are sort of worthless to them.

Kaiyu says: It would have been for the best... And maybe she would have been picked up by a couple wandering Geomancers or something. Geomancers are cool.

Madhatter says: “And here we see the ravage beast taking the little baby girl into the woods... and then tearing her to pieces... and then we all cheered. *In monotone voice* Yay.”

Sadly, her father found out about her and went to claim. Kyleen left after Antti told her to go and be happy.

Kaiyu says: Antti: Go away! Stop molesting me, dammit! You're giving me emotional baggage! ;-; How many fathers does this girl HAVE?

Madhatter says: She's the product of a Harem...She's a slut belonging to sluts!

She grew up learning about machines and other things. Since her father was a chief mechanic, she grew up at the castle and learned other skills.

Madhatter says: Uh, wasn't she just taken in by monks? I'm confused.

Kaiyu says: As am I.

Now her father presented her with a fiancé, and that sent Kyleen over the edge and out the door. The king asked her the join the zodiac masters and looking for anyway to delay the wedding, Kyleen agreed.

Madhatter says: She is the product of a harem. No doubt.

Kaiyu says: And HOW much time lapsed here?

Madhatter says: Well, she's perfect, so in her posession she of course has a TIME MACHINE! TIMMEEE MACHINEEEEE!

Kaiyu says: Been watching Utena again?...And what King? There's bunches. How did he get a hold of her? What the fuck is going ON?

Madhatter says: *Huddled in a corner* This really does work... I’m almost... done... THERE!

Kaiyu says: Well, it's Grading time, thankfully.

Madhatter says: *throws a bomb she made at the FAWKING profile*

Kaiyu says: *Laughs* Your grade?

Madhatter says: TRASHHHHH!! BURN, BABY, BURN! Disco Inferno!

Kaiyu says: Well, since we're only grading by profile here, D-. It's a horrible Mary Sue, though there's nothing really notable about it. However, if we were grading on PERSONAL INJURY, Kyleen would be burning in the lowest pits of the Dumpster. She can be thankful for THAT.

Madhatter says: Well, I guess it is a D sort of... but it still sucks. I still say burn it to a crisp and ne'er let the naked eye sit upon it again.