Profile written for a Medieval Japanese RPG. Commented on by Kaiyu and Alina.
Kaiyu: Guess what I just got in my e-mail.
Alina: What? A flame?
Kaiyu: A rather lovely profile for Bushido. Dumpster fodder.
Alina: Bring it on!!
Kaiyu: (I also got to see the opening for FFX-2. Wow.) Alright, here we go.
Character's name kohgan
Alina: Hulk Kohgan!
Kaiyu: All in lower case. Is Kohgan a Japanese name?
Alina: Not to my knowledge.
Kaiyu: Just checking.
Character's Age 121yrs
Birthday and Astrological sign: september 13th
Kaiyu: Can you see where this is going?
Alina: An immortal. Whoop dee do.
Kaiyu: Let me assure you, he doesn't have a wrinkle on his body. Not even a little one.
Alina: He also forgot to say what his astrological sign is, which means that the profile is incomplete.
Kaiyu: Very true. He'd be a virgo.
*Alina bounces around*
Blood Type: o
Kaiyu: I guess he's one of those vampires that sucks his own blood.
Alina: I guess he is, lol. I think that logically, vampires don't have a blood type. They consume everyone else's blood, and they could be any number of things. What would he do if he sucked someone with the blood type A? So unless his type is AB+, then the profile is WRONG.
Kaiyu: He must take a lot of Yoga classes. (*Don't think about it. If you don't get it, you don't need to.*)
Hair Color/Style:black / long to the shoulders
Eye Color/Shape: deep black no white
Voice (What do they sound like?): dont speek at all
Alina: He doesn't spell either, evidently.
Kaiyu: Don't SPEEK... I know what you're thanking! I don't need no reeson!
Alina: And if he wants eyes that have no white, then why doesn't he just make NO eyes? You know, empty sockets? That would be cool.
Kaiyu: We could poke his brain. Well, moreso.
Physical Attributes: hes 5'6" and weighs112 lbs . looks to be about 16 to 18 yrs of age and has a tatoo of the number 13 on his left palm and on his right palm he has thirteen stars that form a six point star.
Kaiyu: Too many numbers, Kaiyu brain shut down now.
Alina: How do thirteen stars make a six-point star?!
Kaiyu: Hell if I know.
Appearance: always wears his padded black leather ninja suit with the hood on his neck when not on a mission
Kaiyu: A mission from what? To save the world from Ninja Buffies? I blame Buffy for all vampires. Not Anne Rice. Not Bram Stoker. BUFFY.
Alina: Japanese Buffy!
Kaiyu: "Harro! Watashi wa Buffi ze bamupairu suraiya! Miit mai fureendzu, Uirro andu Zanudaah." And since when did appearance constitute only clothing?
Alina: Maybe because he feels he wears a hood, he doesn't need to describe the rest of his body.
Kaiyu: Because he's mysterious. Gotcha.
Weapon(s): 1. a 31 inch bladed ninja sword worn on his back 2. a switchblade dagger gauntlet on his left forearm
Alina: Such specifics when it comes to the weapon. How typical of a godmoder.
Alina: (Character) I tell ya, that EXTRA ONE INCH hit you! That's what it's for.
3. on his right forearm he wears a blade that connects to his wrist and elbow and he never conceals it
Alina: He has three weapons. Umm...no.
Kaiyu: He has more. The next one is special.
Alina: *Sighs* what part of PICK ONE is so difficult to comprehend?
4. on his left hip he wears the one and only boomerblade which he can use in close combat or as a ranged attacks (multiple )
Kaiyu: The BOOMERBLADE! It Slices! It Dices!
Alina: Lol! Jullienne fries?!
Kaiyu: Holy Ninjas, Batman!
Alina: Holy Abalone Switchblade Batman! I'll just pull the thermal underwear out of my utility belt!
Kaiyu: I love that. <3 @ Batman joke.
Sexual Orientation: vow of selebasy
Kaiyu: He's Selebate. Let's selebrate his vow of selebasy with some selebratory drinks.
Alina: Celibacy is what he meant, I'm sure. With some soke on the cide?
Kaiyu: That still doesn't answer what his sexual orientation is. Last I checked you could be gay, straight, asexual, what have you, and be celebate.
Alina: True. Maybe he has no genetalia and therefore no sexual part to his self.
Kaiyu: Dickless wonder. Gotcha.
Friends:ganko and yannus
Kaiyu: I should mention that Yannus is the name of the player.
Alina: Yannus? What is he, son of Yanni, the Greek composer?
Kaiyu: He has to create his own friends. That's sad. *Sheds a single tear*
Family: koga clan
Pets: a dog follows him on his journey (this dog attacks on command)this dogs name is ganko
Kaiyu: Weapon #5 - Dog.
Like Shadow from Final Fantasy VI? Or should we move the comparison over to
(kohgan) Ganko, DIG! Now have a biscuit!
Kaiyu: In realistic terms, what use would a dog be? I mean, if you're hiding and bounding across the treetops, do you REALLY want to be carrying a dog? Because it won't be FOLLOWING you.
Alina: Maybe he's not that kind of ninja. Maybe he likes to walk. Or maybe the dog has a prehensile tail!
Kaiyu: Unless it's a VAMPIRE DOG. DOT DOT DOT.
Alina: Dun dun dun!
Special Skills/Abilities: (still under consideration )
Okay, training = Way overdone, screams godmoder. Fighting is not all there is
to life, batshit. Special Skills/Abilities... I view this two ways.
1= He didn't finish the profile, which gets a REJECT.
2= He didn't put anything so he could pull magical abilities OUT OF HIS FUCKING ASS in gameplay.
It's either one: he was too lazy to think of something, or two: he wanted everything.
(Kohgan) Hmm...shall I fly, or create massive shockwaves with my magic! Or....no! I'll throw stars at people! So many choices...
Personality not very friendly just a quiete keep to my self ninja that has lived through 9/13th of his life as a vampire.
Kaiyu: Dot Dot Dot.
Alina: 9/13ths? That's a specific fraction. Any reason? Any explanation as to how he became a vampire? Who knows.
Kaiyu: Because he's vague and mysterious. This means he'll be the son of a vampire god or something.
Alina: And a typical loner. I say we invoke the loner plan: IGNORE THE LONER, like his character wants us to do.
History: at the age of 13 kohgan been taught the ways of the koga ninja throughout his youth by the time he was 13 he had become very proficiant in his learnings and had become the ultimate assasin .
Kaiyu: And then he retired and made cheese sandwiches for orphans.
Alina: Why can't people make sentences?
Kaiyu: Because they have the brain capacity of a gnat's left testicle?
Alina: Okay, stupid question. But I have to keep asking. Next section?
Kohgan was a loyal boy but knew nothing of what happened to his parrents . after the eavning hunt for food for the family he returned to the village only to find that his family was killed. in a brutal mannor .
Kaiyu: It was a house of PAIN.
Alina: It was forever known as the house of painful eaves (The gutters kept getting clogged).
Kaiyu: I love how the history doesn't seem to make any sense when you put each segment next to each other. It's like we're drawing them from seperate crappy profiles to make a huge, convoluted crappy profile.
Alina: Maybe he played mad libs and then threw it all together.
he went to the mountains where he met yannus who offered him the privladge of finding his parrents killer and search forever for that killer. kohgan without hesitation said yes and is now a mistic legend amoungst the ninja clans .
Kaiyu: And he became a vampire when?
Alina: He did NOT think that through. He's stuck looking for the killer for all eternity.
they call him "THE KOHGAN" it is unknown utill this day wether or not he has found his famillies killer.
"I AM THE KOHGAN."
"WE SHALL NOW BATTLE IN ALLCAPS."
Have you finished laughing at "THE KOHGAN" bit yet?
Kaiyu: Grading time.
Alina: Do you really have to ask? BURN BABY, BURN! *Turns into Trinity, gets on a motorcycle, drives off a cliff, leaps off the motorcycle in thin air, lands, and watches the motorcycle land on the profile and explode*
Kaiyu: Bonfire. While it's not the worst bonfire profile I've ever seen, it's still a bonfire profile. And a bonfire profile is a bonfire profile is a bonfire profile.
Alina: Not to be confused with a bonfire profile.