Sailor Gelfling

Profile written for a Sailor Moon RPG. Commented on by Kaiyu and Alina.

Alina: And it's got a bad MIDI FILE! 8D

Kaiyu: AHH. FUCK MIDI. It's an Enya song. O_o;

Alina: I know...*eye twitch* Enya sucks in MIDI format, no offense to her. But at least I know where my Watermark CD went now. She ATE IT.

Kaiyu: Hohoho. ;.; Let's do this thing.

Alina: Okies.


Alina: Dear. God. HEARTLIGHT? That's a CAREBEAR name, not a senshi name. SAILOR PINKFUZZLEBOTTOM! I mean, gosh! I always thought that Sailor Tin Miaou and Iron Crow from the Stars series were pretty bad, but they're nowhere near as bad as this.

Kaiyu: Hey, we can plug her into the wall and flip her on for the kids if it gets too dark.

Alina: I'll skip the contact info. Because I'm nice.

Kaiyu: But not very.

Aurora Griffin


[NOTE: For More Information, See History.]

Alina: I don't want to know what that is, because it's probably something really retarded.

Kaiyu: Aurora Griffin. It sounds like a bad dub name. XD

Sailor HeartLight, Senshi of Heart & Soul

Kaiyu: ...Ew. O_o

Alina: *eye twitches* Sailor Venus is essentially the Senshi of the heart. Because she is the Senshi of Love. Sailor MOON is the Senshi of the soul. At least in my book.

Kaiyu: But they were also, you know, planets.

Alina: Well, not the Moon really, but that's an exception.

Kaiyu: You never saw Sailor LOVEBEAM or Sailor UTERUS.

Alina: Oh, don't start me on inappropriate Sailor Names.



January 14, 1970


Alina: Okay, I MIGHT let the age thing pass. We all know that the senshi age differently because they have sailor crystals as souls (at least according to the manga). But it's still Sueish when used so casually. And I doubt she's a Capricorn. I'll be the judge of that, since I'm one. XD

Kaiyu: She's also sort of old for a senshi, isn't she?

Alina: That's true...

Kaiyu: And I think it's sort of retarded to have an "Actual age" and an "apparent Age" that are so close together that they make very little visual difference.

Alina: Yea. So it's being flaunted!


Here, We Have An Individual Who Is Comprised Of Contradictional Paradoxes. Altho’, Astrologically, A Stable Earth Symbol, She Is As Changing And Mercurial As Any Water Symbol.

She Is A Fun-Loving Child-At-Heart. And Yet, There Are Times When, Paradoxically, She Can Become Very Moody And Melancholy.

Due To An Unpleasant Childhood (As A School Yard Outcast), She Grew Up Distant From Other People, Yet Has An Almost Painfully Deep Need To Reach Out, Which She Only Manages With Great Difficulty.

Alina: Here, we have A Bad Habit Of Capitalizing. Note the difficulty you must go through to read the sentences! FEEL the agony of the words as they cry out in pain!

Kaiyu: Condtradictional Paradoxes? I Think That Is A Foreshadowing Of Sue Logic!

Alina: Indeed. The Earth/Water thing can go dunk itself in the fire.

Kaiyu: I don't think she uses the word "Paradox" correctly for as much as she uses it. And what's with the (random parentheses)?

Alina: No clue.

One Day, To Become A Great Pagan Sorceress, Well-Learned And Well-Trained In The Healing Arts. Basically, A Psychic “Doctor”.

Kaiyu: A Pagan Sorceress?

Alina: Ah, the spots on thy face are signs of unably hypox! Drink salamander's blood infused with whiplash, and all will be well after ten years!

Kaiyu: And here we have Sailor Goth.

Alina: Also (although nobody can see this with me): her Image is UGLY. She's so dispraportionate that it's scary. She looks like something out of...god, I don't even know.

Kaiyu: I thought she looked like sort of an evil Gelfling.

Alina: YES! A GELFLING! With no forehead.

Kaiyu: Exactly.

To Be Caught Destitute, With No Direction In Life.

Due To Her Lack Of Swimming Ability, A Phobia Of Large Bodies Of Water — And A Dislike Of Heights.

Due To Her Ignorance Of Vehicles, A Marked Lack Of Confidence When Put On The Spot Around a Vehicle.

But Her Greatest Concern Is That She Might Inadvertantly Harm Someone With The Force Of Her Powers.

Alina: Awww....she's a noble little one, aint' she? And rich. She can't stand to be destitute.

Kaiyu: She's so sweet and perfect and noble and admirable and powerful and you. Silly bint.

Alina: She's worse than Rainbow Brite.

Kaiyu: At least Rainbow Brite didn't want to be a gothic sorceress.

Issues Dealing With Rejection, Abandonment, And Loneliness, Due To Her “Exotic” Heritage, Which Seems To Alienate People Even Before She Can Prove herself. This Is Why She Had The Unpleasant Childhood As A School Yard Outcast, Often Subject To Everything From Being Excluded To Cruel And Unjust Teasing.

Alina: This is true. (Somehow, I don't think I want to know about this 'exotic' heritage.) I know! She's the result of the union between a woman and a billygoat! That's why she has pointy ears!

Kaiyu: I'm remembering that segment from News Radio.
(Beth) I'M Cute. Cute is pretty and short.
(Lisa) What about Sexy?
(Beth) Pretty and slutty.
(Lisa) Striking?
(Beth) Pretty with a big nose.

Alina: XD And as for the fact that she's all angsty and excluded: Hon, you're 32 YEARS OLD. I stopped listening to what kids on the schoolyard said about me at 13.

Kaiyu: Onward!

Alina: And sideways!

Kaiyu: Hoho!

Couragous (Even When Afraid), Generous And Kind. A Very Sympathetic Soul.

Altho’ Generous And Kind, She Can Seem, Paradoxically, Selfish At Times. On A “Senshi Identity” Note, She Can Easily Succumb To Her Own Powers.

Alina: So basically, since she's always courageous, she never gets scared.

Kaiyu: STOP USING THAT WORD. For GOD'S sake. It's like she learned it in freshman English that day and wanted to impress people. "PARADOX PARADOXICALLY PARROT-OX!"

Alina: And what powers does she have anyways? The power of SEDUCTION? *watches as Sailor Bint seduces herself*

She Cannot Swim, Cannot Operate A Vehicle (Save For A Bike) — And Is Prone To Occasional Clumsiness Involving Balance, Which Is Odd, Because Her “Kind” Are Natural Athletes And Acrobats.

Alina: She's a hillbilly on tour with the carnival! 8D

Kaiyu: ....Oh God, she's a carnie.

Alina: She'll probably be a gypsy too. But hey, the 'can't swim' bit is actually a good weakness. You don't get many non-swimmers out there.

(Items That Make Her Duties As A Senshi Extra Risky To Her In Particular — Where The Federation’s Advantage Is Concerned)

1) The Effects Her Own Attacks Have On Her In Particular.

2) Her Soul-Name.
(Please See All Comments Regarding This Concept.)

3) The Power Of Her Own Heart.
(Please See All Comments Regarding This Concept.)

Alina: So basically, she has no real weaknesses. Just shit-ass made up ones. THE POWER OF LOVE IS HER WEAKNESS!

Kaiyu: ...........HUUUUUUUUUURLLLL.

Alina: *gags*

Kaiyu: I'm sorry. I can't take this seriously at all. After I watched that one movie, All I can imagine is Sailor Bint having a relationship with Tuxedo Mask. Dressed as Santa Claus.
Who throws roses at people anyway? 9_9

Alina: She could probably make Sailor Moon think that her own mother is a turnip. As Tuxedo Turnip! And there ends the Tuxedo Kamen bashing. Forgive us, Mamoru fans.

Kaiyu: Um. Back to the topic at hand.

All In All, Here Is One Who Is Extremely Danger-Prone, Likely To Find And Get Into Dire Trouble — Without Even Trying!

Alina: I don't even want to speculate as to what the hell this is supposed to mean or be relevant as.

Kaiyu: I thought that WAS Sailor Moon.

Alina: It is.

Kaiyu: Sailor Moon as a gelfling.

Originally From Los Angeles, California.

Originally, Her Mother And Her Mother’s Boyfriend. Both Are Missing Since The Federation’s Big Takeover Of The States.

All Either Dead Or Missing. She Just Moved To Crystal Tokyo — And Has Yet To Rebuild Her Entire Life.

Alina: As an ANGSTY Sailor Moon.

Kaiyu: *Gag*

Painting. Writing Fantasy Fiction. Creating Web Page layouts.

Alina: Job revenue: None. The paintings, fiction, and layouts suck so badly that no one would buy them.



Kaiyu: This character vaguely reminds me of someone I know. XD
"OoOOOoOOo, I am a GOTHIC WICCAN PRINCESS PRIESTESS! I love my Mate, come look at my keen webpage layouts!" 8D

Alina: O.o;;

She Wears Her Hair Partially Caught Up Into Twin Braids That Start Behind Her Ears And Are Merged Together At The Back Of The Head, Keeping The Rest Of The Hair, Worn Loose, Out Of Her Face.

She Prefers Casual Dress In The Way Of Tee-Shirts, Sweat Pants, And Tennis Shoes, Usually Accessorized With A Belt Pouch For Easier Balance On A Bicycle.

Alina: Too Much Information About Hair. I Don't Give A Damn.

Kaiyu: She's a Wal-Mart Shopper! RUN! Fear the sweatpants!

Alina: She's a hippie Wal-Mart shopper! Can we skip what her uniform looks like? It's very long, and contains visual aids.

When Was The Last Time You Saw Someone With Pointed Ears, Large, Luminous, Slanting Eyes,
And Four-Fingered Hands?

Kaiyu: When I watched the Dark Crystal, stupid gelfling Bint.

Alina: I just saw one in another SueFic.

NOTE: Please See “History” For A Clue.

Alina: And pretentious.
(Sailor Gelfling) Okay kids! Today, I'm going to ask you, "What colour is the sky?" This is a tough one, so here's a hint: If you look outside, you'll know!

Aurora, It Turns Out, Is A Healer, An Independent Follower Of Pagan Traditions That Have Helped Her To Hone The Ability To Heal Her Friends And Allies On The Psychic Level (She Does Not Have The Ability To Healer Bodily Wounds, Altho’ She Is Working On It), Helping Them To Reinforce Their Own Wills When They Need It Most. Making Her A Valuable Defense Against Psychic Attacks That Might Compromise One’s Courage, Sense Of Hope, Etc.

Alina: So basically, she does nothing other than undermine the integrity of everyone else. One of the best themes of Sailor Moon was enduring and overcoming hardships by regaining your courage YOURSELF (or with the love of your friends). And the 'altho' is fekking annoying.

Kaiyu: What the hell does this have to do with Sailor Moon?

Alina: Nothing Kaiyu, that's the thing. There should, in theory, be no other senshi on Earth. All the senshi of the Solar System are accounted for.

Kaiyu: And I thought they got their magical powers from, you know, things other than being a gothic priestess. e_e

This Power, It Seems, Is Also Useful For Temporarily Stunning An Enemy In Battle Long Enough For Others To Finish The Matter. This Use Of Her Power, However, Is Contrary To Its True Nature ... And Aurora Finds That She Must Pay A Price For Its Misuse, Even On The Side Of Justice. Using Her Healing To Harm, Even If It Is An Enemy, Causes Her Harm As Well!

Alina: Oh no! We wouldn't want to put her in the line of harm when she's fighting for us! She needs all the other Senshi to act like her human shield!

Kaiyu: Didn't we see this somewhere before?

Alina: Yes. Sailor Saint.

Kaiyu: Dude. Sera's idiocy is spreading.

Alina: I know.

When This Happens, She Is Very Vulnerable And Must Separate Herself From Battle Long Enough To Heal Herself!

Alina: And then! A magical Humkeycorn will come and take her on a magical journey with magic trail mix!

Kaiyu: Accentuated with an exclamation point because it is so very important!

You See, Aurora’s Powers Are Two-Way: If She Uses Her Abilities for Defensive Purposes (For The Healing Of Heart And Mind They Are Supposed To Be Used For), They Make Her Feel Good, Too. But If She Uses Them Aggressively, Against An Enemy, She Catches A Negative Backlash And Is As Hurt As The Enemy.

Alina: She's masochistic.

Kaiyu: No, she's just dumb.

That Is Why She Must Never Use Her Powers In A Negative Context For An Extended Period, Because This Could Lead To Long-Term Injury For Her — Or Worse!

Kaiyu: What classifies as 'worse' here? What can be worse than an angsty gelfling who looks like she was sat on?

Alina: I wouldn't consider causing it bodily harm worse. I'd call that exterminating the vermin.

Kaiyu: I Still Don't Get The Continuous Capitalization Of... Well, Everything

Alina: Me Neither. It's As If Every Word Is Highly Important.

NOTE: Aurora Can Make Her Staff Disappear And Reappear At Will, In Case She Goes Somewhere Where There Is No Room For It ... Or Needs Both Of Her Hands Free.

Alina: I hate all these random footnotes. They're pretentious and annoying.

Kaiyu: She needs both of her hands free? For wha- AUUUUGH.

Alina: For tying her shoes, maybe?

Kaiyu: Better than what I was visualizing.


Alina: Let's try this with other human organ names! Crystal Lung Power! Crystal Pancreas Power!

Kaiyu: Crystal Uterus Power! Shining NoseHair Transformation! Fancy Lala Earwax MAKEUP!

The Transformation Begins With Aurora’s Make-Up Phrase: “Crystal-Heart-Power!”

Kaiyu: We KNOW.

Alina: And thus begins another extremely long description section that's as colourful as the Easter Bunny.

Kaiyu: Glorious.

Alina: (I'm tempted to skip it. Your vote?)

Kaiyu: Go right ahead. I think we can spare the readers a little bit of discomfort.



Sailor HeartLight Has Only One Real Senshi Power Attack:
Her Ability To Stun An Enemy’s Mind, Which (As Mentioned) Is Equally Unhealthy For Her!

Alina: But I bet she uses it all the time in Twinkland.

Kaiyu: Blah, blah, blah, Pointless Blather, Make Sure You Capitalize Everything, Exclamation Point!

It Is Activated By The Phrase: “Mind-Shatter-Blast!”, Which Creates A Psychic Tsunami With The Power To Knock An Enemy On Their “You-Know-Whats”, Altho’ Not Unconscious.

Alina: Actually, I don't know what it's used on. Can you tell me?

Kaiyu: Pink tricycles.

Alina: With sequin bows.

Kaiyu: I can't believe she censored the word 'butt'.

Alina: Me neither.

That Would Take A Longer Application Of This Attack, Rendering Sailor HeartLight As Harmed As Her Enemies.

Alina: Oh, no! She fell on her ASS! Call the paramedics!

Appearance: This Attack Symbolizes An Explosion, Like A Mental Mushroom Cloud. Altho’ Psychically Invisible, The Psychic Radiation From This Telepathic Blast Is Mentally Blinding, Which Is A Side-Effect Of The Spell. The Actual Effect Is A Severe, Painful Stun!

Alina: Great. So she gives everyone in the vicinity radiation poisoning with her attack. Just so intelligent.

Kaiyu: It's a psychic nuke.

A Side Effect Of This Spell When Executed Is That It Makes Her Eyes Glow Like White-Hot Embers.

Alina: She must go through a lot of replacement eyeballs.

Kaiyu: A side effect of this profile when read is that it may induce vomiting.

Altho’ Not Necessary Since Her Attacks Are Entirely Psychic, She Can Use Hand Gestures In Direct And Intensify An Attack Directed At An Enemy, Her Hands Held Out In A Claw-Like Position Towards The Enemy, Almost Like A Transmitter Of Sorts, Both Hands Close Together, The Heels Of Her Palms Close, Fingers Splayed Out, Forming A Dish-Like Shape.

Alina: Again, this profile really bothers me with its Capitalization, Altho's, and pretentiousness.
"I don't HAVE to wave my hands, but I can if I want to! Nyah!"
And when she makes a peace sign, her attack becomes a fluffy shadow bunny shadow puppet.

Kaiyu: This hand position also doubles as a nice salad bowl.

Incidentally, Sailor HeartLight Must First Use The Benevolent Aspect Of Her Power To Erect A Psychic Force Field Around The Minds Of Any Friends And/Or Allies In The Vicinity First — Or They May Be Stunned, Too!

Alina: Oh, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

Kaiyu: How much more is there? This is becoming an exercise in futility. Really, really not good futility. Not the kind you can get in the store.

Alina: 9 more paragraphs about her attacks and their invincibility. x_x

Kaiyu: Jesus.

Alina: It makes my eyes burn.

Kaiyu: This could be much more bearable if I were funny. e_e;;;

Alina: You're funnier than me.

Kaiyu: Onward!

NOTE: These Shields Are Useful, Really, Only For The Defense Of Her Friends, As The Shield Only Semi-Protects Her; She Always Gets A Part Of The Attack Herself, ... Shield Or No! Incidently, Without The Shield, She Herself Is Also Knocked Totally Out. With The Shield, She Is Merely Stunned, But May Be Able To Move A Little, Altho’ She Is Lucky, Under Such Circumstances, To Be Able To Even Crawl

Alina: Should I feel pity for Sailor HeartSue and her self-inflicted wounds? Not really. She could always evolve her powers.

Kaiyu: So... much... pointless... detail....Brain... collapsing. Tell family.... I .... want a fancy burial...

Alina: *gives Kaiyu interesting reading material to spark his brain back to life*

Kaiyu: *Readreadread* ...Ears?

Incidentally, Even Without The Devastating Effects Her Own Powers Have On Her, She Only Has Enough “Juice” For A Single Mind-Blast Attack During Any Particular Battle. After That, It Takes Hours For Her To Rebuild Her Psychic “Charge”.

Kaiyu: It takes her some time to drive to the "store" and make the appropriate "mix".

Alina: Concordantly to popular belief, big words don't make profiles look smart.

Anyway, The Making Of Shields Is Done With The Phrase: “Heart-Crystal Ally-Mind-Shield!”, Useful (Of Course) For Defending Others Against Enemy Psychic Attacks, Besides The Backlash Of Her Own.

Alina: You've told us this already. Please get on with it.

Kaiyu: She likes to repeat herself. Let the gelfling speak.

Alina: Repeatedly repeat herself.

Kaiyu: It builds up our case against her.

Appearance: This Creates A “Bubble” of Protective Energy Around All Intended Targets That Sailor HeartLight Seeks To Defend. Like A Soap-Bubble, You Can See Almost Invisible Swirls Of Color Playing Over The Surface. When A Telepathic/Empathic Projectile Hits This Field, It Becomes Much More Visible At The Point Of Contact, With An Effect Like (Glowing Rainbow) Ripples In A Body Of Water, Radiating From The Disturbance At Some Event Horizon.

This Goes For The Effect Of Her Own Attacks.

Kaiyu: At which point all the Sailor Scouts have hallucinations while trying to find a way off the damn spaceship.

Alina: Why is she writing all this? It's like she expected Takeuchi Naoko to stumble onto her site one day, see the profile, and say "Egads! A brilliant character! I need to bring it to life exactly as she describes!"

Like Her Attacks, Incidently, Hand Gestures Are Not Really Necessary To Make Her Shields Work, But If She Wants The Shield To Be Extra Strong, She Thrusts Her Arms Up And Out, So That She Is Standing In A “Y” Shape, Channeling Additional Will-Power Up Thru’ Her Arms And Into Her Shield.

Alina: And if she dances to YMCA, a cheesy Mandarin YMCA musical score with Skeletor starts playing in the background.

Kaiyu: I don't see why it needs to look like they're go-go dancers while they're fighting.

Alina: Because...I dunno. Makes for good eye candy. I liked it.

“Vertigo Kaleidoscope!”

A Lesser Known (To Her) Ability, Discovered Much Later, Sailor HeartLight Is Able To Target An Opponent With A Sensation Of Intense Dizziness. This Is Accompanied By An Optical Illusion Of Flashes Of Color, Bright Enough To Create A Head-Ache, That Swirl Randomly And Rapidly Thru’ The Opponent’s Vision. Very Disorienting.

Kaiyu: "Vertigo Kaleidoscope"?

Alina: Horizontal Spetrometer attack!

Kaiyu: Eternal Motion Sickness Jump Rope ATTACK!

Alina: And let's not forget....Super Happy Nighttime Pill Attack!

Kaiyu: You see, this is why I hate Sailor Moon RPGs in general. I'm certain there's some great ones out there...Just characters like Sailor Gelfling outnumber them all 30 to 1.

Alina: Same. I would NEVER, EVER join a Sailor Moon RPG on the basis that I would never want to interact with...THIS.

More Of A Distraction Than An Actual Attack, This Effect Lasts Only For A Few Seconds, Long Enough To Get Out Of “The Line Of Fire”, So To Speak, Or Any Other Moderately Tight Spot.

In Spite Of Its Short Duration During Battle, Sailor HeartLight Comes To Prefer This Attack Better.

Alina: And yet it's lesser known. Okay. That makes sense.

Kaiyu: What is this girl's irrational fear of lower case letters? Was her family killed by a pack of "p"s and "q"s or something?

Alina: Maybe she's going for the opposite of e.e. cummings, who never used Capitals.

Kaiyu: Yeah, but that would have her speaking IN ALLCAPS ALL THE TIME.

Alina: I'm labelling it as Pretentious Syndrome.

Its Effects Do Not Blanket A General Area Like Her Main Attack, So That No One Else (Like Allies) Get Caught In And Suffer From The Effect As Well. It Seems That This One Can Be Focused Narrowly Against A Single Target, Thru’ A Pinkish Energy Beam Launched From The Jewel Of Her Tiara.

Alina: It's a NotQuitePink! Laser beam.

Kaiyu: I'm getting tired of this. Seriously. This profile is becoming physically exhausting.

Alina: I know. I'm skiping to history, where we shall finally learn why she's a gelfling.

Kaiyu: Great.



Alina: Which differs from the 'present history' we have today.

Like Most Of The Senshi, Aurora Had An “Other-Worldly” Origin.

Her Ancestry Is That Of A Race Known Best As “Elves”, Whose Ancestors Were The Space-Faring “High Ones”;

Alina: They're not regular elves. they're special elves!

Kaiyu: ....AUUUGH. I KNEW Elves had something to do with it.

In Her Case, This Mysterious Elfin Maiden’s Father Was An Irish Human From A Clan Called “Griffin” — And Her Mother Was A White-Haired Elf Named “Jink”, A Shape-Shifter Who Enjoyed The Company Of Humans.

NOTE: Incidently, She Does Not Appear To Be Half-Elf/Half-Human All Of The Time, But Seems To Be All Human In Her Street Form And All Elf In Her Senshi Form.

Alina: Okay. Now here's my lesson on the usage of the word "elf" and its derivatives. Proper English is this: Elf, Elfin, Elfs. However, J.R.R. Tolkien used Elf, Elves, and Elven. He admits that it's an error in language, but uses it because it rolls off the toungue better. In theory, I think you can use either one, as much as I'd like to restrict the "elves" to Middle Earth. But ultimately, you have to choose one. She's mixing both. Bad bad bad.

Kaiyu: I'm just still pissed that she's even -is- an elf.

Alina: Same. This is my way of expressing it.

NOTE: Incidently, She Does Not Appear To Be Half-Elf/Half-Human All Of The Time, But Seems To Be All Human In Her Street Form And All Elf In Her Senshi Form.

The World In Question, Once Known As “The World Of Two Moons” Is Now Known, In Its Part Of The Galaxy, As “Abode”.

Alina: Gah. STOP with the NOTES. Just STOP. Notes are for citing sources or information that is irrlevant to the topic at hand. And you DON'T slam them in anywhere. They go AT the end. Now then. Given how shitty this profile is, and the fact that this thing has given my computer multiple blue screens of death and has crashed it every time I load the page to continue making fun of it, because it's Pretentious and Capitalized and made up of centred paragraphs and stupid diagrams, makes me to never want to use the word 'incidentally' again, because the Midi is annoying, and because it's fucking PINK AND UGLY, I refuse to read the rest of it. My grade is nuke.


Do you want to dare to experience this profile in its native habitat? Here you go. It's PINK.