Commented on by Alina
I can see the trailer now..."I believe it is our fate to destroy this work...it is our destiny!"
There isn't even a disclaimer for this story! Not even a silly AIM speak "I dunt own these chars k? the w bros do." Even that would have been better than nothing!
We're not getting off on the right foot.
21-year-old Corrine Andreana
Adara Arwen Undomiel Satine Krystal Allysinia Bobec Spatule insert long and complicated name here along with a couple of silly nicknames...
Smith
What a lovely, simple last name. This is the first sign that something is wrong, and if you know the Matrix as well as me (or read the introduction) you know what's coming.
leaned back in her chair.
Aahhh...nothing like a nice flexible chair to sit in. I can predict how this fic is going to begin already: Instant Messaging conversation with a character that will ultimately unplug her. How original.
She had found out about the Matrix from a
Movie released in 1999 by the same name.
friend that identified him or herself only the alias Neo.
The SHOCK! The SUSPENSE! Who did not see that coming?
Now, if it turned out that it was someone pretending to be Neo, or some obsessed Keanu Reeves fan...well, that's different. But, once again, the fic is settling into the usual Mary Sue stupor.
Neo stared at the computer screen.
And...where did this come from?
I suppose I have to clarify. When this piece first came out, it was literally three huge paragraphs. Even though this was changed, there's still a desperate need for transitions. Anything would be nice. An <hr> tag. Three (---) lines! Even the feared sperm transition (~*~*~*~*~*) would be better than this!
Looking at the clock, he realized that
He was about to go through the whole story, AGAIN.
it was already eleven at night.
(Neo) Shit! Mama wanted me in bed by 8:30!
Excuse me...but why the hell should I care what time it is? What, were Neo and Corrine up all night talking to each other like a bunch of little overhormonal teenagers? Pul-leeese.
The rest of the crew aboard the Neb, except Tank and Dozer, were asleep.
The crew were good little rebels and did as the Mama figure ordered. And Neo went to bed, and pretended that he wasn't in the fic.
Neo returned his gaze to the screen.
(Neo) Blonde, brunette, redhead...wow, Cypher was right. This IS fun!
There, in blue lettering, was the woman's reply.
It clearly read, "For a good time call me at 555-3268. Extension: SEX!"
Shadow: "What is the Matrix? Is it some kind of game?"
(Shadow) Like Tetris? Or...no! Snakes and Ladders, right? No, wait, I know! Strip poker!
Neo smiled and typed back: "You'll know the truth soon."
Whether you can handle it or not, well...that's another matter.
Shadow: "When?"
Can anyone else detect the childish 'are we there yet?' syndrome arising?
Neo: "If you really want to know, meet me in the central town hotel."
(Neo) I like the complimentary mints they leave on the pillows.
Shadow: "How will I know it's you?"
(Neo) I'll be wearing my purple monkey suit. And I'll have my 'my name is Neo' nametag on just in case.
Neo: "You'll know when you see me."
Neo didn't think the monkey suit was that hard to spot, but he wasn't sure. He knew Mary Sues can be dense.
Shadow: "Oh."
She had been hoping to play 20 questions to find out. Or strip poker. Anything to get naked with him.
Neo got up. He stretched out and picked up his phone. "Tank, need an exit." Neo told Tank.
"I'm not Tank, I'm Dozer! Jesus, you still can't tell us apart?" Dozer answered.
"Got one. 55th street, Trafalgar Square." Tank's reply was short and swift. "Hurry, squiddies approaching."
So who told him to go to Trafalgar Square? Clear quotations people, are they that hard to do?.
Neo was up and running towards the ever- ringing phone that was his exit to the real world.
"Neo? Wake up, man!"
Apoc shook Neo from his sleep. "We're going to get the girl! C'mon, wake up!" Neo jerked out of his sleep.
Pleaseohplease let it have been a dream sequence...because there is no evidence to explain what the heck is going on.
Oh, and what happened to the squiddies? Or was that just a pointless insertion designed to add excitement to the plot even though it was never really followed up on?
He sat up and managed to get to the deck.
It was the most strenuous task he had ever attempted. I mean, the floor was so far away! And walking, well, don't get me started.
Still sleepy, Neo bumped into Morpheus on the way to the mess hall.
Shake shake shake...shake your booty!
And Morpheus enters the story!
By now, I had plenty of questions. Such as, "when is this going to get interesting?", "Why should I care about this new Sue?" and "Where the hell is Trinity?!"
"You alright?" Morpheus asked, concerned. Neo nodded.
"I'm fine." He continued walking to the mess hall, trying not to bump into anything or anyone.
Methinks Neo has a hangover. Or maybe he just had a really bad drug-induced hallucination that created Corrine.
He knew something was wrong with him.
(Neo) Let's see...I'm bleeding from my extremities, my hair is falling out, and I can't see or feel anything. There might be something wrong with me.
But seriously, I know what's wrong with him. And it's the same thing that's wrong with Morpheus. They're OOC! (Out of character!)
And who knew something was wrong with whom? There's two men in the scene (last I checked).
He felt dizzy, and a little sick.
Corrine, or Shadow, or whatever her name is, was sucking his One powers out of him as she began to increase her presence in the fic. Or he had eaten one too many bowls of slop. You decide.
I actually think that this is another Pointless Disease Plot Device. The idea is to weaken the main character and place Corrine in a Pieta position, stealing Trinity's bit as being the symbolic Virgin Mary in the Matrix. Guaranteed within a hundred words she'll be cradling his "angelic body, adoring his beautiful face".
How typical.
Most of the crew, except Tank and Dozer, was strapped into the chairs.
The two brothers were better behaved than the rest of the crew and did not need to be subjected to elecrode therapy.
They would be plugged into the Matrix soon. Neo closed his eyes as the sensory assault of the Matrix overwhelmed him.
(Neo) Aaah! Too much of the colour green! It burns!
He felt like screaming. Seconds later, he opened his eyes, and found himself in the Matrix. Morpheus spoke.
(Morpheus) Do not adjust your television screen. We now control the horizontal and the vertical. Welcome to the Outer Limits.
"Let's go. Switch, Apoc, and Cypher. You know where to go.
(Morpheus) And get me a quarter-pounder with cheese while you're there, will ya?
Neo, go meet this girl."
And now the truth comes out. Cypher, Switch, Mouse, and (if you were reading) Dozer, are all alive! It's a miracle!
How? Why? Why is Neo unplugged? Where the hell is Trinity?
The author's answer is...who cares?
Well...guess what? I care?
Alternate Universe is NOT done like this. You don't just grab the characters, pick out the ones you don't like, add in your own, toss them all into a salad bowl and insert a random situation as your dressing. It has to develop. This story is the equivalent of saying, "Hey! Let's take the entire cast of the Matrix, minus Trinity because I don't like her, and set it in 17th century England. Neo will be a rich philanthropist, Switch and Apoc will be his two relatives (who are married to each other), Morpheus is his mentor, and Mouse is his footman! And THEN, I'll insert my beautiful female character who wants freedom from all the vague feminine oppression she's facing!"
Honey, this isn't the Matrix anymore. It's a story that involves certain vague ideas and out-of-character cameos from the film. It's a sad copy of the movie.
Neo and the others nodded.
See? They agree with me!
(The crew) We want Trinity! We want Trinity!
Morpheus would be at the place where all the unplugging took place.
That was the advantage of being the captain: he could get away with leaving all the work for everyone else. He's just there for the health insurance and cool costumes. And the quarter-pounders.
They would be at the "heart o' the city" hotel, where he had been unplugged.
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
Darnit! First of all, it's the 'Heart O' the City' hotel. Secondly, Neo was unplugged there, not Morpheus! More clarity would be good!
He would meet the girl at the specified location and bring her to the hotel, where she would be
Assasinated, dressed up in a purple monkey suit, you decide.
unplugged.
And promptly brought back to the store where they had bought her for a refund.
Neo set off. He rang up Tank.
(Neo) That'll be...$43.50 please.
"Tank, get me a bike. A fast one." Minutes later, a bike stood before Neo.
Tank couldn't decide whether to send him the pink one or the orange one. More irrelevant stuff cluttering the fic.
He got on and the bike roared down the quiet street, heading to the central hotel. Corrine pulled her sweater closer.
If nothing else gives you an aversion to Corrine, just remember that she has an attraction to her sweater. And we have another non-existent transition of scene here. Yay.
It was cold.
There was no real reason for it to be cold, it just was. And as for the definition of cold...unless it is defined as -40 Celcius and below, it's not cold!
She walked towards the central town hotel. It had closed a few years ago. Why in the world would anyone want to go there?
Corrine, reexamine your position. You're going to a closed and supposedly abandoned hotel in order to meet someone that you only know through the Internet. Does this scream 'good idea'?
Maybe it does to Corrine. Maybe I don't know enough about her character to understand her choice of actions. Nonetheless, that's not my problem. What the heck am I supposed to base my knowledge of this character on? General presuppositions that all main characters are nice, act JUST like Neo, and would all take these kinds of risks?
That is so lazy and typical.
Neo leaned against the wall, willing his headache to go away.
(Neo) Begone, the power of the One compels you!
His head felt like it was going to explode. Just then, a female voice interrupted him.
(Neo) Go away! I'm curing my migrane!
"Um... Is that you, Neo?" Corrine's voice echoed in the desolate place. Neo turned around, ignoring the pain in his head.
"Uhh...no...my name is Anderson....yes..." Neo said carefully, before high-tailing it out of there.
"Yeah." His voice mesmerized Corrine for a second.
He's spent more time practicing how to talk like Morpheus.
Unfortunately, this is the first sign that Corrine's going to fall for him (oh, the surprise!). Next she'll be staring at his face, his body, his ass, and it'll just develop from there.
"Come with me." Corrine followed him, not sure of her actions. Neo led her to a motorbike, which he got on. "Get on. I'm taking you to meet Morpheus." Corrine obeyed.
Does she even know who the hell Morpheus is? Or am I supposed to be assuming she does again?
She didn't know what to do. Suddenly, Neo slumped against the bike's handles, unconscious. Blood spilled from his mouth. Corrine gasped and pulled Neo's unconscious form back. Neo's eyes were closed and his mouth was half open. Blood trickled out.
Random tip# 2354: It helps to explain why someone passes out. We have a case of mysteriousness here. A 'mysterious' force has caused Neo to collapse! Oh no! I guess we have to look to the new savior of the planet, Corrine, for salvation!
"Neo!" Corrine cried out, trying to wake him. Just then, Neo's cell phone rang. It was Tank. Corrine picked up the phone with trembling fingers.
This was actually a good sentence, so I'm saying so. Good job.
"H...Hello?" Corrine whispered into the phone.
"Neo, is that you?" Tank asked.
Yes Tank, Neo got a sex change while he was plugged in and is now a woman.
Or is this a insinuation that Corrine has a really deep voice? The world may never know.
"Neo he um..." Corrine stammered into the phone.
"What happened? Who are you?" Tank sounded panicky.
"I'm Corrine. Neo said to meet him here at the central town hotel. He was going to take me to meet Morpheus. But he collapsed on his bike." Corrine managed to speak.
"I'm sending the team there. Wait with Neo there." Tank instructed Corrine. Meanwhile, he called Morpheus and the others and told them about the situation.
Let's see...Neo's out cold. What's wrong here?
Firstly, Tank would have known this before due to the medical equipment hooked up to the crew when they're plugged in. He wouldn't need Corrine to tell him this.
Secondly, if something was really wrong with Neo to begin with, I don't think that a) he would be able to fool Morpheus, b) would have not been allowed to go into the Matrix in such a compromised condition, c) since Neo's the One, why the heck would a headache be bugging him? and d) they would not have gone to see Corrine at the drop of a hat. Let's see...man down, 'mysterious' individual who may be your would be unplugged person...can you say Agent?
Corrine sat down on the cold hard floor, cradling Neo to her, calling for him to wake up.
Who called it! Me! She's cradling Neo!
Then, Apoc and Switch appeared along with Cypher and Morpheus and the equipment.
"Apoc, Switch, you deal with Neo. Cypher, set up the equipment."
That's a LOT of stuff to be carrying around casually. And computers take a very long time to set up. I can only fathom how hard it would be to set up Matrix-unplugging equipment.
Morpheus ordered. The threesome set to work immediately. Morpheus walked over to Corrine, who was huddled in a corner, terrified. She was still cradling the unconscious Neo to her. Morpheus lifted Neo from Corrine's freezing hands and laid him on the ground.
Another reason why a beta-reader or a brain can be very helpful when writing, unless the intention is to suggest that Morpheus raped Neo right then and there.
His head lolled from side to side. Some blood coated the floor.
Not that anyone really cared at this point. Shadow was way higher on the priority list.
"Hello, Shadow. You wanted to know what the Matrix is? I'll show you. You must feel like Alice in Wonderland, tumbling down the rabbit hole, am I correct?" Morpheus crouched down by Corrine's side.
Using his memorized speech for the five millionth time. He needs one of those Yak Backs that were popular back in the 1990s.
Corrine nodded mutely.
Whachowski dialogue is hypnotic.
Morpheus opened his hands and held out a red pill and a blue pill.
"Take the blue pill, you go back to your everyday life. None of this ever happened. Take the red one, you follow us, and we show you how deep the rabbit hole is. Remember, whichever one you choose, there's no turning back." Corrine looked at the two pills. Reaching out, she picked up the red one, put it in her mouth and swallowed. Suddenly, she felt sick and wanted to throw up.
The pill doesn't make a person sick! It's only a part of the trace program! A part! And you don't get sick, you get a heart attack!
Morpheus caught her and laid her down next to Neo. Corrine lost consciousness soon after that.
Corrine awoke, only to find Neo standing over her. She was lying in a cabin.
A log cabin? Fireplace and all? Isn't that something out of 'The Big One'?
She sat up, her head throbbing. "You ok?" He asked, concern in his voice. Corrine sat up. "
"Where am I?" She asked. Neo was removing the IV from her arm.
Can you say 'shamelessly copying the movie without the slightest credit'? If not, can you say 'boring because we've all in theory seen this before'? I sure can!
"You're in the Nebuchadnezzar."
Wow. The name was spelled correctly. Positive points there!
Neo explained, helping her to her feet. "What's your name?"
(Neo) Because I conveniently forgot it in order for you to say it now in a dramatic sense of rebirth in the real world. The orchestra is actually right outside and ready to start playing 'Riders of Rohan' the moment you speak.
Corrine thought about her name. She couldn't remember anything from her life in the Matrix.
This sentence would entail that Corrine's next sentence should be "I don't remember my name...I don't remember who I am!" (Or something to that effect).
"Shadow. My name is Shadow."
...And of course that is not what she says. More Sue logic for us: she can't remember wher life in the Matrix, and yet she can remember that her online alias was Shadow.
Then, Shadow felt a wave of dizziness. She had not fully recovered and was still weak. Shadow grabbed Neo's hand and held on. The world was spinning. Neo lifted Shadow into his arms. He carried her outside and laid her in a chair.
Plugging her in while she's half-conscious will solve everything!
"This will hurt a bit. Try to relax." Neo placed a hand on Shadow's forehead. Just then, the data spike slid into the hole in the back of Shadow's head. She cried out in pain. Consciousness seemed to slip out of her grasp. Then, she was in a white room. The pain in her head stopped.
So why didn't the tactic work for Neo?
"Where am I?" Shadow asked, confused. Looking at herself, she found that she was wearing a pale blue shirt, black leather jacket, pants, gloves, black trench coat, and a pair of wrap around sunglasses in her hand.
All of which Neo had painstakenly designed from the latest fashions from Europe while he waited for the perfect Corrr-err Shadow to awaken. The clothes would most certainly alleviate the pain of discovering the truth.
The point is that there's way too much emphasis on what she's wearing. This attention could have been better served elsewhere, like in refining the plot or making Shadow's character more believable.
"This is the load program." A friendly voice replied from behind her.
Everyone can just skim along now until I tell you to stop. If you've seen the Matrix and remember what the real world is, you can skip this summary of stuff Matrix fans already know.
Shadow turned around. It was Neo. "We're in a computer program. I know it's hard to believe. It's ok. It's your choice whether you want to believe it or not." Neo walked over. Turning on the TV, he showed her the Real World. It was dark and desolate.
"This is the real world. Man built machines, but in the end, the machines took control. Those that we are trying to save are just a fraction of the Matrix, slaves to its control." Neo explained. Shadow staggered back.
"NO! This is all wrong! It can't be!" Shadow cried out, holding her head.
Okay! You can start reading again!
Neo grabbed her. He held her steady until she calmed down.
Our first romantic moment! Watch as !ConcernedBoyfriend! Neo catches !PityMe! Shadow and holds her close, a cliche gesture that is supposed to suggest a level of closeness and concern between the two characters.
Shadow collapsed against Neo, sobbing.
"This can't be real... this can't be real..." Shadow sobbed in Neo's arms. He pulled her close and touched her hair gently.
And now !ConcernedBoyfriend! tries to make physical contact! If it persists, it may culminate in a kiss! Let's watch the female's reaction to this fiesty specimen!
"Get away from me! Get away!" Shadow suddenly screamed, shoving Neo away from her. She was afraid and confused, and a frightened and confused person with the power to manipulate the Matrix was dangerous.
Aha! She's admitting it! Watch now as !PityMe! Shadow transforms into !FearMyPowersAndContinueToPityMe! Shadow!
I have two words for Shadow: MARY SUE. There was absolutely NO evidence prior to now to even SUGGEST that Shadow was a Potential. Nothing. Nada. Therefore, I concluded that she was not.
It's not smart to just throw this stuff randomly in when it's relevant to the immediate event in the plot. If she's a Potential, then she has to show the signs of being one from the very beginning! You can't get out of it! It's called gradual development!
I'm not even going to start on whether or not Shadow is the One. Given Neo's track record so far, he certainly isn't de facto. He may be de jure (in theory), but not in reality. That 'privilege' now belongs to Shadow.
Then, the world around Neo and Shadow started to change. Shadow was changing it to keep herself safe.
Only the One can change the Matrix. Potentials can influence it, supress parts of it, but they can't change the coding. Only the one (i.e. NEO) can.
Not to mention that the sympathy plea directed at the readers continues.
Neo stepped back. Suddenly, around Shadow formed a black hole. She disappeared into it and it sealed itself.
Neo concentrated and forced open the hole. Entering it, he found himself in space. It only looked like space. Suddenly, the scene shifted, throwing Neo off his feet. Now, Neo was in a maze. Shadow has to be in the center of the maze. Thought Neo. He dashed towards the hedge ad tried to break its code apart. To his surprise, the hedge remained the same.
Duh Neo! You're not the One anymore! Or, if you are, then you're not the most powerful One out there!
This is, in itself, is a contradiction. More Sue Logic at work.
He could not break the code. It was unbreakable. Neo tried again. Still no result. Shadow must have to power to seal things together so that it wouldn't be broken. Neo gave up and walked towards the center, vaulting over hedges to save time.
Didn't you ever watch Batman Neo? All you have to do is keep making rights.
As soon as he reached the middle of the maze, he found Shadow curled up into a ball there, either unconscious or asleep. Neo jumped down and picked Shadow up. Carrying her, they were transported back to the real world.
Simply unplugging her when she wasn't paying attention wouldn't have been as much fun as running through a maze that laughs at your powerlessness!