Hilary Duff Reloaded by Matt Hart

(This fic has since been deleted due to its violation of Fanfiction.net's TOS. Rejoice!)

Commented on by Kaiyu, Alina, and Gypsy.

Gypsy: It's so horrible.

Alina: Oh! I see it!

Gypsy: The formatting's hard on the eyes too.

Alina: Yes. I keep saying it. Formatting is our friend. You should not abuse it. Gah....Endless Paragraphs...the hallmark of a badfic...is this a crossover?

Gypsy: No clue.

Alina: Okay. Because I see the word "Smallville" and I'm thinking of that Superman TV show. Oh well.

Gypsy: (Morpheus) Here we go.

Alina: (Niobe) Let's go.


I watch the sun go down with Jake as it ends one of the best days of my life. My 16th

birthday was today. Jake is my best friend. I want him to do a movie with me someday. I

have my head on his lap as we sit on the edge of my deck. They are going to start my

fireworks soon, I cant wait.

Gypsy: Maybe shell get hit with a firework! *cheers*

Alina: Yes! Fireworks never fail to please.

Jake looks down at me and says "Listen Hilary, I have something

to tell you”

Alina: (Jake) I'm pregnant with your baby!

Gypsy: (Hilary) Jake, you read my mind, cause I'm pregnant with YOUR baby too! Like, coincidence!

Alina: Like, so totally cool! So totally high school in its setting! So...Dawson's Creek. Now, do you mix Matrix and Dawson's Creek? Hell no.

I look back at him and ask "what's up" He starts to think about what he is about to say. Im

hoping he will ask me out. "Well..." Jake says in a quite voice. "HILARY" my Mom yells my

name. "Im sorry Jake, ill be right back" I tell Jake in a somewhat disappointed voice.

Alina: It wasn't quite a voice; it sounded more like rusty nails grating against a blackboard.

Gypsy: Ooh, so that’s what a prep sounds like...

Alina: (Mother) Plot device to cause angst!
(Hilary) Sweet!

I hop off the deck and walk to my mom who was right next to my new car.

Alina: She's sixteen and already owns a NEW car. Can you say spoiled brat?

Gypsy: So she's a rabbit? Hopping?

Alina: Yes! a sixteen-year old spoiled rabbit brat! Brilliant!

"What's up mom"? I ask. "Do you want to go to New York tonight?" she asks me. "Do I have

to??" I whine. "Im sorry dear but they are going to start shooting "Cheaper By the Dozen"

and "Agent Cody Banks 2" this weekend. "Ok, what time will we leave" I ask. "Right after the

fireworks Ok?"

Alina: Hey! There ARE fireworks! Gypsy's clairvoyant!

Gypsy: Woooo, psychic, I can tell your future.

Alina: What do you predict for this fic?

Gypsy: Hilary will turn into a RABBIT!

Alina: *hl*

Gypsy: And if you don’t like making movies, just don’t. You don’t NEED to work for money, that's so old school. Nowadays you can get paid for taking a shit. No need for acting at all!

Alina: Is she acting, or is her mother? (I can't figure it out).

Gypsy: It's Hilary.

Alina: Sorry, badfic confuzzlement.

Gypsy: It’s ok, Lina. It happens to even the best of us.

my mom says 'ok let me go tell Jake" I tell her. I look back at the deck and Jake is gone. I

don't understand why he would leave without saying goodbye. The fireworks begin and mom

puts her arm around me as we watch. They go on for about an hour then we drive to the

airport and board a charter flight on a DC-10 to New York.

Gypsy: Oh yes, I'm sure Jake really loves her. I bet he drowned himself or something.

Alina: (Jake) Yes! I escaped!
What the heck was the point of this, short of prolonging the story? It appears to have no importance in terms of developing plot or character. All it does is tell me that Hilary's a spoiled brat.

Gypsy: And she’s a rabbit Hey! She's a white rabbit!

Alina: That’s probably the only Matrix reference we’ll find in this fic.

Gypsy: I bet she gets unplugged, kills Trinity, marries Neo and lives happily ever after (after she destroys the Matrix, of course)

While on the flight I listen to "The Ataris: In this Diary" I

start losing myself in thought about how much work Ill have to do in

the next couple of weeks. Im also happy at the same time because I

get to meet that really hot guy from "Smallville" Tom Welling. I

hope he wants to make out with me between takes, but I hear he's

married. Ya well, I hope we can still have fun.

Gypsy: Who the hell cares what she's listening too? It's not like she has the brains to understand any of it (but it is a pretty bad song). *Waits* Oh no! The badfic killed Alina! *Sobs*

Alina: No, I'm here. Lag. Man, this chick is totally immoral. She's up for breaking up a marriage just so she can fool around during her few weeks of shooting. Speaking of which, between all the "fun", when is she going to find time to work?

Gypsy: Marriage? Isn't she only 16?

Alina: 16, 14, something like that. I'm betting she's from some state where the age of legal consent and marriage is like 12. If such a place exists.

One thing im not

looking forward to is working with Frankie Muniz, he is so mean to

me. He didn't even hold my hand when I kissed him under the stars

after the first movie. "Smallville" is better then "Malcolm in the

middle" anyway. Frankie really does cum in the middle, when I was

giving him head in his moms Lincoln. I had to wash my mouth out

like ten times after that.

Gypsy: What a whore. This is so sick.

Alina: *Just....gags....* This is a window into the fantasies of an overhormonal preteenage boy. I did NOT need this kind of insight. I already know that next to nothing is going through the author's mind. I did not need to know what actually does. I mean, my God. Who in heaven's freaking name would find this erotic in any way? I can spit out just as many potty words as him, and it ain't sexy. Bitch, slut, fucking sticker cum etc.

Gypsy: Does this come as a surprise to find that this author is a guy?

Alina: No. He would secretly find it either sexually thrilling or funny that Frankie would set off while in her mouth. Or both. AND - Real person fic is NOT allowed. And there's a good reason why! This reason! How the hell would you feel if someone was writing this kind of shit about you? I'd kill them! Or at least sue them for all the money they had!

When I hear the word smallville I think more about Frankie then Tom..if you know what I mean. This Diary is

over and I start to listen to Evanescence: "Bring me to Life" to try

and get me hyped for this nights meeting with my agent. Im going to

make up to three million for each movie. I look over to mom and she

is sleeping. I hate the Jet lag. I pull out my new Motorola c331g cell


Gypsy: Such a disgrace to the wonderful Evanescence!

Alina: Yes, and a clear lack of knowledge of their discography, since it only mentions their most popular song. Gross gross gross!

Gypsy: ...Save me from the dark... *cries*

Alina: Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence, just what we all need, more lies about a world that never was and never will be! Have you no shame? Don't you see me?! [...] Don't let me die here...there must be something more! *clings*

Gypsy: The wonderful Mary Sue song!

I get a text message from I guy I met in a chat room. I don't

know his name, but he seems cool. We talk about the world and how

its going to end soon. I laugh when he goes off and doesn't stop

talking about the end. Our talk goes on for about two hours. Then my

cell phone dies. The power was full, this doesn't make any scene.

Alina: (Hilary) Act One, Scene Two.....where are you?

Well ill just go buy a new one when we land.

Alina: Why not just, I don't know, recharge the battery? She's throwing money around.

Gypsy: And this just HAS to be Neo, obviously.

Alina: Yes. But if you ask me, he wouldn't be wasting his time with this piece of refuse. He'd be trying to find intelligent people to unplug .

Gypsy: Spoiled rich brat. Maybe he thinks it's someone worth his time. Computers aren’t perfect.

Alina: This person would be a detriment to the resistence - another Cypher.

Gypsy: Stupid bitch. I hope she 'pops'!

I try to fall sleep. I start

to dose when my phone rings. It scares me so I jump, then press the

center button and say "Hello" A deep voice witch I had never heard

before starts to speak. "Hello Hilary, how are you?" the voice asks.

"Im..um ok. Yourself?' I ask in a confused voice. "I will be fine

when your safe" he says "WHAT" I am not enjoying this anymore

Gypsy: Guess who?

Alina: (Deep-voiced man) I have your baby Hilary bitch!

Gypsy: (Hilary) Like, NOOO! Oh well, I'll just buy a new one, like like.

Alina: (Hilary) Yes! And I'll buy myself another Tom Welling! And a Keanu Reeves, while I'm at it!

Gypsy: When was she even enjoying herself? And it's jut some phone dude - why the hell get so upset?

Alina: Maybe they were having one of THOSE conversations....a CYBER. oooooh...

Gypsy: My clairvoyant self predicts she will accept an offer and suddenly start cursing him off, then cries, then gets everyone's sympathy.

Alina: I don't even want to speculate what she's going to do.

"Listen to me, you are going to encounter two people within the next

week that want you dead" the voice tells me. "Who, what people?" I

ask "you wont know, you have no hope of staying alive unless you

listen to me right now" the voice says. 'Why, I don't know you" I tell

the voice, I feel as if this person is stalking me. "Listen, im watching

you right now" "Oh my god"

Gypsy: Like, Tom Welling what?

Alina: (Hilary) Someone is stalking me! Yes! Every rich brat's twisted dream come true!

Gypsy: Where are the tabloids? And the sniper? I'm sure enough people hate her already!

Alina: And the bodyguards! Like Britney Spears'!

Gypsy: Like totally!

"That doesn't matter now.

Alina: (Person that is probably Morpheus) It would also require a plausible explanation too, and I'm not about to even try fabricating one.

You must listen to

me, look to your left and you will see a man walking, do you see

that?" the voice asks. I look to my left. I start to feel sick when I see a

man walking by me. "He is going to the 3rd seat on the left, right next

to the emergency exit. He will fall asleep in about 2 minutes. Then

exit the plane throw there"

Gypsy: "exit the plane throw there"? Yes, Lizzie! Kill yourself! For humanity's sake, you must!

Alina: Yes! Throw yourself out! Yes! The English language prevails!

Gypsy: Bwahaha! This keeps getting dumber and dumber. But at least we're Matrix-themed.

Alina: Vaguely. Hey, the summary says "Lizzie looks on as Smallville and the Matrix Collide." Who the heck is Lizzie?

Gypsy: Lizzie Mcguire, Hilary's role. Stupid moron author...breaking all the rules! HE should "jump out of the plane throw."

Alina: Oh yea.....forgot about that. The story is sucking the brains out of me. >.<


Alina: (Voice) No, I'm doing the Planet a favor.

I yell waking up

everyone around me beside my mom.

Gypsy: The magical mom, wearing earplugs constantly to avoid her daughter's bitching.

Alina: And I'd assume she's closest to her as well.

Gypsy: So her voice bounced OVER her mother and woke everyone else up? That makes sense.

"No, I want to help you" the

voice explains. "And when I exit the plane. Ill die, right?" I ask.

Laughing. "No, you will fall for about 30 seconds then you will be in

safe hands." "NO" I tell the voice on the cell. I hang up the phone and

start to laugh and think to myself someone on this plane is having

some fun with me.

Alina: And why is she using a cell phone on a plane? Does she want to interrupt the sensitive flying equipment and CRASH it? Idiot. She has the intelligence of a potato. Less, even.

Gypsy: A pea?

Alina: I'm going more towards inorganic sediment.

I fall asleep and dream about fucking Tom


Gypsy: Dreams are about the closest she'll get.

The plane lands at JFK and I head to the limo that is waiting for

me to take me to the hotel. I enter the limo with mom and some men

load my stuff on the back of the limo and we start to the hotel.

Alina: *puts her head in her hands* Badfic Headache....someone give me some Codeine...

Gypsy: *hands it over*

Alina: Thank you. *takes one*

Gypsy: Don't OD and leave me all alone!

Alina: Naw. I wouldnt' want to with a gem like this.

Gypsy: A real winner. *cough* Bonfire.

Alina: Like I think I said somewhere before: she goes near Neo, she DIES. I'll personally BEG Trinity to kill her. (If it were real, but it's not. So I'll ask Carrie-Anne Moss instead.)

Gypsy: I'll PAY Trinity even. Run her over with your Ducati!

Alina: Pssst! CAM! *points* Send in the lawyers!

Gypsy: Who cares about death! The sake of your love is at stake!

"Hilary you look tired" mom tells me holding her hand on my far


Gypsy: (Hilary) Yeah, cybering with mysterious deep-voiced men on cellphones sure wore me out."

"No mom, just a little worried about the next few weeks" I say

thinking about last nights phone call. I did notice someone watching

me as I left the plane, but didn't think anything of it. We get to the

hotel, I walk out of the limo and to the door of the hotel, my eyes

start to water from all the camera flashes.

Alina: *yawn* SueSuperstar.

Gypsy: So why is she WORRIED? she seems pretty bored.

Alina: Once again, in her dreams.

I take a small break in my

suite on the 102nd floor.

Alina: (Hilary) Pressing all those hard-to-reach buttons...so difficult.

I get a call from the producers of Cody

Banks 2 and they tell me to meet Frankie at the starbucks down the

street. I get a cab and find him walking into the place, I follow, he

waves me into the back of the store. I hope he doesn't want to make

out or anything. I am now right behind him "Hey Frankie" I say.

Alina: (Frankie) Who the hell are you?

Gypsy: (Hilary) You mean you haven't heard of me? GUARDS! Like, arrest him?
This next part is so retarded.

Alina: The last part of the Chapter, or the next Chapter?


then looks at me and starts to change, his eyes turn white, and he

grabs my neck and starts to choke me. I can't get free and I can't yell.


Gypsy: (Hilary) My mother is all-powerful just because she sleeps through my whining!

Alina: Yes! Yes! Go Frankie! He's my hero! He sees the Sue for what she is! Kill! Kill!

Gypsy: Don't just choke her! Use a blunt object! Drink her bloood! No, wait! You'll get sick!

Alina: Just choke her!

Part 2! - Back