(Go see Part One if you haven't already!)
Kaiyu: Matrix/Zelda? I guess this time it really IS that Link.
Alina: That was the first thing that struck me. But no, it's worse.
Kaiyu: How in the world can it be worse?
Alina: Recap of 'plot so far': Chick kidnaps Smith after pulling some invincible shit, he wakes up in Hyrule and is forced to ride on a horse with the chick into Gerudo Valley. (It's a Smith conversion fic.)
Kaiyu: ...What the deuce?
Kaiyu: Deuce. A two in pack of cards. It's a substitution for What the Hell.
Alina: Oh. Sorry. Me slow ^^;;
Kaiyu: I think I'm ready for another round of self-abuse.
"^Toukasa! Toukasa!^" (open the gates). Slowly the wooden barriers opened to let them into the valley. As they rode in, he got a better view of everything. The stone buildings were not even, some being taller than other. They also seemed ot be mashed together. To their right a large stable building had been erected and people were coming in and out of it, but most of them were just milling about and staring at them. Their dress was mostly ragged, and too large for their underfed frames.
Alina: I'm surprised she hasn't pointed out that all the people in the valley should be female. Unless this is some sort of pre-post Ocarina AU.
Kaiyu: Heh heh. "Erected." Welcome to Castle Anthrax, Agent Smith!
"Here we are," she said, interrupting his thoughts and dismounting. He followed her example and she led him towards the stables.
Once inside, he saw that there had to be upwards five hundred horses, and even more children running about.
"Look out," she said, tugging on his elbow. He quickly stepped out of the way of a small girl carrying a currycomb. Many of the children there were carrying buckets, combs, feed, and other things. This seemed to account for the good condition all the horses were in. She saw him watching the children.
Alina: Smith had never seen a kid before, oh no. Those foul little creatures.
Kaiyu: Over five hundred small annoying children?
Alina: ...They must really be getting it on over there, maybe?
Kaiyu: Considering that this town is comprised solely of women, I'm guessing it houses Hyrule's largest sperm bank.
Alina: Or gigolo house. And Smith has been captured to be a sperm donor.
"Workers, the younger ones look after the chores and the household. No fighting until you're sixteen, no weapons until you're ten." She continued looking for an empty stall. He had also noticed something strange. Nowhere to be seen were there any saddles or halters. Didn't horses require those?
"Stuff might seem strange, but I promise you. Everything will be explained later." He nodded and let her steer him to a stall where she deposited her horse. After that she led him back out and into the compound. If he had thought there were a lot of people out there, there were three times as many in here.
Alina: Her 'all knowing' attitude REALLY pisses me off.
Kaiyu: I'm going to hazard a guess that she is VERY!IMPORTANT
Alina: (Chick, jumping from side to side like Homer) Now I'm in the compound. Now I'm out. Now I'm in. Now I'm out.
"Let's go find Rose. She'll find you a room." Diana led him up a few small flights of stairs and into a large room. There a young woman paced, occasionally looking into a large bowl of water.
"Primrose? Where's Rose?" Primrose stopped and looked at them. A long scar ran across her right cheek.
Alina: (Primrose) Oh, over there with Black Rose and Rosette.
Kaiyu: (Scar) WEEEEE! CAN'T CATCH ME.
"She's in the next room," she replied, gesturing carelessly to a door on their right.
"Thanks," she said and Smith dutifully followed her. In the next room a taller redhead sat comfortably in a wooden chair. When they came in, she tilted her delicate glass goblet back.
"Hello Diana, Smith. Wonderful to see you."
Kaiyu: <Rose> For god's sake, Diana, can't you ever bring home good looking sperm donors?
Alina: How does she know his name anyway?
"^Rose? Mos E kyvyr cema tzu?^" (Rose? Can I speak with you?) The redhead nodded and set her goblet down. They launched in a chatterous conversation in their native tongue. It was a new experiance for Smith to hear his name coupled with words he had no power to decipher. Which was in itself odd. Normally, he could have easily decoded and understood even the most remote of languages, but now, it was only a mass of strange words. Finally, though, the taller one, Rose, turned to him.
Alina: ...And why the hell isn't he kicking some serious ass? Or causing mass panic?
Kaiyu: Afterwards, then, the bored one, Kaiyu, committed suicide.
"Well, you ~are~ the infamous Mr. Smith. Wonderful. Now your getting here was purely a miracle. To get you back, you'll have to wait for the war to let up. No portals going anywhere until someone's won. So we're going to make some accomidations here for you. Think of yourself as a part of our family now. Now, as for bunking arrangements.... We'll try to find a room that isn't ~so~ full. Newcomers get specials...." She took up a clipboard and began rifling through the pages. After several moments of pages flapping and 'mmm's, she found a room deemed suitable.
Alina: (Rose) I'll give you....the CAVEMAN suite. Comes with a nice hot tub.
Kaiyu: Shouldn't all these women be dead now?
Alina: They should've been dead ten minutes ago.
And shouldn't Smith be able to like, you know, end the war immediately?
(Smith) *INCREDIBLY FAST KILLING OF MANY*
Alina: He lost his gun in transit. And his viral powers, apparently.
"Well, here you go. You... It just occured to me my dears, have you two introduced yourselves? Mr. Smith is looking particularly peevish."
"Um, no... We haven't had time," Diana said, brushing her bangs away.
"Well, then, I will. Children these days," she muttered softly.
"Mr. Smith, this is Diana Tabeth, my granddaughter. Of course, most of us here call her Birdie. Birdie, this is Mr. Smith as you know."
How does Birdie come from Diana?
(Hi! I'm Demeter! But please, call me Honeyfeather! 8D)
Kaiyu: I don't know. But it's oddly appropriate that I originally read that as Bidet.
Kaiyu: A bidet is the little fountain found in ladies' rooms that is used to clean their... nether regions. Shouldn't you be the one knowing this and not me? XD
Alina: And I feel oddly embarrassed that you knew this but I didn't. We don't exactly see many of those around here. We're not rich.
Kaiyu: I think that guys should have bidets just because we need some sort of entertainment while we're in there. 83
Alina: *laugh* sounds like a plan.
"Smith will suffice." Rose shrugged.
Kaiyu: Rose really dominates a conversation.
Now, Smith, you'll be bunking with Diana, her cousin Matthew, and the twins. The twins work the nightshift, so you won't see them much. Diana and Matt work the dayshift, so you won't see them much either. We're all pretty busy here... Ah, I digress. Diana, show him to his room. Thank you dear."
Kaiyu: Matt being short for Mattina?
Alina: No, Matt being short for Kanaltlayt. Get with the program, Kaiyu! The nicknames can have nothing to do with the name.
Rose turned away and began scribbling on the clipboard again. Birdie led him off and up several flights of stairs. As they ascended to his room, he looked around him. There were people ~everywhere~, mostly children again, bustling about here and there, carrying loads, dropping them off, getting new ones... It was the epitome of activity (hey! thay rhymed!)
Kaiyu: "hey! thay rhymed?"
Alina: Author's notes in the middle of the story are TEH KEWLIEZ!!!111
at its fullest. Each of these people had purpose. Which was more than he had at the moment. They, at least the ones that looked ten or over, had some sort of weapons. The younger ones had small daggers and knives. The others that looked sixteen or over carried swords, guns, or bow and arrow. They knew their way around this place like a second home, or a first for all he knew. He was left out of this loop. It felt sort of lonely.... Lonely... Yet another ~human~ emotion. Here they seemed stronger. They threatened to overpower him here, and he didn't like it.
Alina: (Translation) Blablablablafillerblablasomethingresemblingcharacterisationblablabla.
Kaiyu: And I think that if Smith basically became a human he'd kill himself. a lot.
Alina: Repeatedly, if possible.
"Look out!" Birdie exclaimed, and pulled him away from an impending doorframe.
"You'll get plenty of chances to look around later, don't worry," she said cheerfully. He nodded and kept an eye on where he was going, despite the fact he really didn't know where that was. He was lost, and the only one too. He was lost in a sea of people, a sea of questions. Birdie guided him up another twisting flight of stairs. Each flight of stairs led to more rooms connecting to more flights of stairs, completely endless. Was he to be lost in this endlessness? Yet, he was vaugely comforted by the trembling hand on his arm, guinding him.
Alina: ...wtf? (on a more low note, I read that he was comforted by the trembling hand that was grinding him.)
Kaiyu: Because Agent Smith REALLY needs to be protected from that big scary doorframe.
Alina: (Smith) I'm so out of character that I'm walking into doorframes! Go me!
Keeping him from being swept away in the tide of strangeness.... Trembling? He looked down at her face and saw no sign of distress of her face, merely tiredness. He reached over and took her hand off his arm, holding it tightly in his, which wasn't not a hard feat. Birdie had incrdibly tiny hands. He didn't like feeling her hand shaking, it disturbed him. It was another sign on human weakness, and this human was the only one that seemed to give a wink about him. She looked up at him curiously, but didn't ask him any questions. He remained emotionless.
Kaiyu: (Birdie) Oh, poor Smithy-boo...Now, here's your blankie and your teddy-weddy. Are you ready for nappie-bye?
Alina: And thus begins the AAAANGST. Smith has been neutralized as a insane threat to humanity by this piece of shit fic.
Kaiyu: Which for us, in the long run, is probably a good thing.
Alina: But, what's the point of making Smith all mushy? That's not who he is? Why don't I just take....say....uh... dunno...Spawn, and made him a cuddlebunny?
Kaiyu: You know Spawn is a big softie on the inside, Elly. You just need to give him a chance.
"Here, here's the room," she said, steering him into a semi-large room. There were two bunkbeds along the wall ahead of them, and on the right-hand wall there was a large tannish dresser. The wall oppsite the dresser was a door that went into a tiny bathroom. On the corner next to the bathroom, a moth-eaten hammock was nailed into the wall. On one of the bunkbeds, Matthew sat, putting new bandages on his arm.
"You're gonna bleed all over the bed," Birdie said playfully and helped him finish bandaging the bloody gash. Birdie slid off the bed, and began poking around under it, finally fishing out a suitcase. She slid it over, uner the hammock, and shooed Matt off the bed.
"This's your bunk Smith. Matt sleeps above you, and the twins sleep on the other one. Over there's the bathroom, always knock before you enter. Now... I belive that's everything."
Alina: Okay, there are NO BATHROOMS in medieval times. GET OVER IT.
Kaiyu: They did have a big hole in the wall that leads to a very nice stinky pit, though.
Alina: How unsanitary.
"You have not explaine anything to me," Smith said tiredly, taking off his sunglasses.
Alina: Well at least we're not the only ones who are confused.
Kaiyu: Also, she has a suitcase why?
Alina: I have no fucking clue. I didn't even realize that suitcases existed in this universe.
Kaiyu: Thank you for being the (temporary) voice of reason, A.S..
"Ai! I'm sorry! Yes, yes, ask away!"
"Where am I?"
"You're in Hyrule, sometimes called the Land of the Triforce or The Land of Zelda. She's the princess that's running everything at present. To be more specific, you're in Gerudo Valley. We've set up base here until we can recapture the Sprit Temple from the Dark Army. This place is home to the Gerduo, a race of female warriors. They're the dark-skinned redheads. Gerudo Valley is one of nine major sections. First, there's Kokiri Forest, patron home to the Forest Elementals and our major medical base. Next, there's Lon Lon Ranch. They're in charge of handling and sending out our supplies. Then there's.... Zora's Fountain, patron home to the Water Elementals and our home for refugees. Next is Lake Hylia. That's one of our major army bases. After that, there's Hyrule Castle Market. They also carry supplies and house civilians. There's also Kakiriko Village. They're our major supply center. They do the manufacturng and stuff. They're also where we bury our dead, since they have a graveyard and all... Above that is Death Mountain. That's where we train most of our soldiers. They also have another of our major army bases... Well, this's where you are. Don't worry about remembering all that. You probably won't have to until later." He nodded.
Alina: Thank you for this recap of Ocarina of Time. Please come again.
(Birdianawhatever) Alright, now that we've given you your basic geography lesson,
everyone here likes to fool around a little bit, so let's cut to the chase-
are you a top or a bottom? Matt's been waiting, like, six months.
I HAVE SUMMED UP 75% OF THE REMAINING STORY. *bows.*
Kaiyu: On to the remaining 25.
"How did I get here?"
"I sent a projection of myself into the Matrix to find you, kind of like a puppet. From there I opened a portal that was connected to here and brought you through. You had to hop about eight realm rings to get here, but you're here. I'll explain that another day."
Kaiyu: That's the part I like to call "Foreplay." UM. HOW?
Alina: (Chick) But that's only because the method technically hasn't been formulated yet. This is a work in progress, you know.
Kaiyu: That is the worst cop-out answer I've ever heard.
"Who are you?"
"Well, my ~full~ name is Diana Araelyn Tabeth, most people call me Birdie or Birds. I'm a 114th generation Tabeth. We're a pretty extensive family, because we never die of old age. Our family makes up the msot important part of the Army of Light."
Alina: (Birdie) ACH! I HAVE 72 QUARTERINGS! /bad Voltaire joke
"Oh, so you're an immortal elf."
"Well, LOTR/Matrix crossovers are way too common and I thought I'd do something different..."
"What am I?"
"Well, when you came to our portal, you probably saw the Gatekeeper. When you first passed her, you're were composed of 0's and 1's. She converted you into electrical energy, then from that she made you into magical energy, and lastly, into flesh-and-blood. So...."
"What?" He asked.
"You're human now."
Alina: (Smith) Now THAT just sucks the fun out of my day.
Kaiyu: (Smith) *ERROR ERROR ERROR SYSTEMS DOWN SUICIDE IS IMMINENT*
Never mind that she still hasn't solved how she turned his electrical energy
into physical matter.
(Smith) THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION. IF PROBLEM PERSISTS, CONTACT PROGRAM VENDOR.
Kaiyu: So Smith is really Windows 95 personified. Ah.
Alina: Well, he is an evil virus that took over the planet.
Kaiyu: That too.
Alina: But SARS was my next example. Okay, onto chapter two. I think I'll skip the author's notes.
Kaiyu: Please do.
"I'm human... How could this happen...." Birdie patted his shoulder.
"Don't worry about it. Being human alone isn't bad. Being human and having a bad heart is bad." Smith looked over at her. She was busily combing her skinny fingers through her hair.
Kaiyu: "Well, I'M screwed. Thanks a lot, ho!"
Alina: Well Birdie, you've just told most of humanity that they suck because they're not good. Thanks!
"It is not that simple," he said, rigt before a yawn forced itself on him. Birdie smiled and stretched out in her hammock.
"Get some sleep Smith, it's almost midnight. You look horrible." She rolled over in her hammock and was soon snoring lighty. To him it sounded more like a wheeze.... But why was he caring? Right now he was the one thrust into this pagan world, forced into these conditions of poverty, held captive by these..... He yawned again. Sleep was settling in on him whether he liked it or not. He had no choice in any of this... He was.... a..... prisoner......
Kaiyu: AUGH NO.
Alina: Why the fuck would Smith care if she was pagan? It's not like he's a Catholic or anything,
Kaiyu: Is this supposed to be Smith's first dream or something?
Alina: Yea, I know. *cue transition effect*
Kaiyu: (Smith) Woah, this is cool. I mean, I'm used to screensavers, normally.
"Is it dead?" a burly man asked, poking something with his foot.
"Hope so," a woman replied. What were they talking about? What was it?
"Ugly little wench, ain't she? Look at tha ears on that un'!" Who could they be talking about!?
Kaiyu: Jennifer Garner?
Alina: Micheal Jackson? Wait, he has no ears anymore.
" 'nother one of those damn Guardians. How much do you think we'll get for her?" the woman asked. The man shrugged. Then it becomes clear who they're talking about. A young girl is lying on the street, one arm flung limply away from her. Her grey eyes are blank, lifeless.
"Still a youngin', not much I'll warrant. They're wantin' the old 'uns." The woman looked disdainfully on the child.
Alina: So let me guess: because they speak a rustic dialect, they must be the IGNORANT PEASANTS.
Kaiyu: Because the elderly are much more able and spry than young people, okay.
"What's it's name? Or does it even have one?" the woman asked. Suddenly they hear a carrige coming up.
"Let's go. Don't want to be seen." The woman leads the man away. The carrige, not seeing the young girl in the street, goes right past. The large horse steps directly on one of her hands, crushing the five year-old's hand easily.
Alina: And Smith wakes up, wondering what he's been smoking.
Smith woke up when the first rays of a pale morning hit his face. He groaned a bit and rolled over. The bed was exceedingly hard and now his back was in knots. He figured he must have been really tired last night to sleep on that thing, hard as rocks, and about as warm.
"Morning Smith," Birdie said, from where she was pulling on a boot. He did not reply, but merely put his sunglasses on. For some reason, the sun seemed brighter here.
"Today someone will show you around. I would, but my shift is this morning."
"No." She cocked her head at him and her grey eyes looked confused.
"Well, why not? You really shouldn't be getting lost here. It's impossibel to find you way back."
Alina: I'm glad she can spell foneticullee.
Kaiyu: I have no idea who's saying what.
Alina: I'm assuming it's alternating. *shrug*
"I refuse to become part of this pagan culture!" Last night's shock had worn off and now hotter, more resentful emotions filled him. "I will not bow down and conform! I will not become one of you filthy, viral humans!" While he had never really yelled, not like this, it felt good, and bad. It was good to finally vent, after all this time. But a warning sign in his head told him nothing good was going to come out of this.
Alina: And in these lines, the author proves she knows nothing about Smith.
She's an elf, not a human. Get it straight, Smith.
(Warning Sign) *PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN INVALID OPERATION*
1) Smith isn't Christian. Why would he use the term "pagan"?
2) Smith wants everyone to be EXACTLY LIKE HIM and gets this to happen by INFECTING HIM. Therefore, he does not like individuality. He WANTS TO CONFORM EVERYTHING. /rant
Kaiyu: Of course. But you're forgetting something.
Kaiyu: HONEYFEATHER IZ CHANGEING HIM OMG!!!1111///
Alina: But isn't the whole purpose of the fic to change him? It's been done in...two chapters? (Sorry, I have to be the voice of reason.)
"I am the cure to your stench of humanity, I will not be led around-"
"Stop it!" Her voice reached a very bird-like screech. Now she was shaking with anger and her stormcloud eyes became dark as their namesake. Her face reamined mostly still calm, but anger boiled under the surface.
Kaiyu: Yes. It has been done in two chapters.
Alina: And thus her secret identity was revealed...for she was a NAZGUL.
Kaiyu: Her eyes grew as dark as... Diana?
Alina: Gandalf Stormcloud, maybe? Who knows. As dark as grey?
Kaiyu: Grey 2.5, A very dark cool gray. See? Color Theory class did it's job. I don't need it anymore.
"I'm sorry I brought you here." She turned quickly on her heel and walked out, her booted feet not making a noise on the stone. Smith relaxed a little and shifted a bit on the bed. Matthew was busy buttoning up his shirt nearby.
"Tsk tsk tsk." Smith looked over at Matt, who was now lacing his boots.
"Have you got something to say also?" he asked, waiting for the boy's smart alec remark.
Alina: She better be sorry she brought Smith to Hyrule. That's just not right on so many levels.
Kaiyu: He was dressing throughout the conversation? I think that allows Smith a snippy remark, not the kid.
Alina: You know, if you jumped into the fic at this exact point, you'd think that they had a threesome and Smith just wasn't performing to her expectations. /gutterthoughts.
"Well, I guess you both have points, but there's no good yelling at Birds. She blows up when people yell at her. Or she blows stuff up. It depends. But, as for the whole humanity thing.... Well, in many ways, most of us here really aren't human. I guess if you want to classify the whole four-chambered heart, warm-blooded, nurse the young kind of thing, then we are... But there's a difference between us and normal humans." He began combing his fingers nervously through his jet black hair.
Alina: (Matt) We're Romulans. See the pointy ears and bad attitudes? *points*
I'm wondering when Birds will come back. Since the story is NOT ALLOWED TO PROGRESS
(Smith) Birdie is gone.
Alina: You always seem to bring up something that I never think of. *laugh*
Kaiyu: (Matt) Let's engage in semantics to pass time.
Alina: (Matt) If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it leave a trace?
"Explain," Smith said, jerking Matt out of his thoughts.
"Well, Hylains, which is what we are, aren't exactly human." Her pushed some of his hair back to reveal pointed ears.
"That, and well... Humans are... Reckless. They pursue science to the point they're either going to kill themselves or the powers above will do it for them. I know about the Matrix, one of few who do. I know that humans created AI, but it eventually overtook them. We... We aren't like that. We're content with our lives. We aren't tryin' to change it, only improve it.
Alina: (Matt) We're BETTER. Even though improvement=change, although I like to pretend it doesn't because we're living in the age of the free proletariat.
Kaiyu: (Matt) So now that I'm done lowering you on the evolutionary scale even further... well, sucks to be you, huh?
I don't... Well.... We don't look to technology or trying to drastically change things or invent new technology. Medicine is a different story, but ~that~ we need. We might be pagan and primitive by your standards, but we've made our place with the earth, not in it.
Alina: (Matt) Not like those pesky wall gnomes.
Kaiyu: Also, all humans are Catholic now.
Alina: Or heathens if they're not.
We're more in tune with the natural ebb and flow of things than real humans are. We just.... Know more about what's going on around us. We, most of us, are gifted with some sort of magic.... ESP, magics of some sort.... We're just different. And Guardians are even less human...." He pulled thel aces on his boots tighter and squirmed a bit on the bed. Smith made him really nervous and he felt about twenty years younger.
Kaiyu: Am I wrong in thinking that this could be the beginning to a REALLY bad slashfic?
Alina: (Smith) I've fallen into a town full of wiccan-elvish-treehuggers from Vancouver. Could this get ANY WORSE?
"Well, Guardians, we.... We're different in a lot of ways. We have DNA and all, but that really doesn't play a large part in determining us. Where, when, how we're born, those all determine us. Also, what our parents were like. I don't mean recessive or dominent traits.
Kaiyu: It could get worse.
Alina: How would they KNOW about DNA anyways? They certainly wouldn't call it that. (I'm ignoring the fact that based on this interpretation + Quantum physics....they'd all be DEAD.)
I mean like, if their mother or father was an assassin, they're likely to be assassins too. Or if their parents had a particular quirk, like stuttering, they'll likely do it too. Also, what we're like is determined by if we're part of a prophecy or have a particular destiny... It shapes us. I'm nothing special....
Alina: I'm sensing a "but" coming up here.
(Matt) Now, I'd like to introduce you to your roommate, Corrine Andreana Smith.
Alina: (Smith) Noooooo!
Birdie is... But that's another story. Also.... We don't age like humans... Sure we age and all, but once we hit anywhere from seventeen to twenty-one, we stop aging physically. We grow older mentally, but not in our bodies. And the older a Guardian is, the stronger they are. They don't get sick as often, they can cast more complicated spells, wounding them is harder.... You know. We can't die of old age, but sickness and wounds can. Guardians also, we're just made better than humans. A little stronger, a little faster, a little smarter, a little more powerful... So you see, really, there aren't many humans here. But whatever you think, go with it. I can't change your mind." He stood up and walked out. Smith watched the boy leave, and then looked around the empty room.
Alina: All right, so let me get this straight. Hylians are uber-Tolkien Quendi Elves that, while they do technically know about and have genetic codes, are determined in the land of medieval humors and astrology. Not that it matters, since they can only get STRONGER?
Birdie was sitting on the roof of one of the buildings, humming softly. Matt came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Hullo Matt." He sat down beside her.
"What's up?" She shrugged.
"Nothin' much. The sky, the birds, Smith's ~ego~." Matt laughed.
Alina: He's not the one professing to be an all-powerful immortal. Yet. In this story.
Kaiyu: Why does Birds suddenly appear?
Alina: I think there's supposed to be some kind of transition there to another scene.
Kaiyu: Every time you're near? (To being interested in the story, of course)
Kaiyu: Just like me, they long to be...Close to you~~ Jesus, I've been waiting FOREVER to crack that joke.
"Birdie, don't be so harsh on him. I know he got really upset, but that's just how he is. He... Er... Has always been in a routine where humans were hated, viral, ect. ect. You can't expect him to change overnight. And don't take the yelling personally, I don't think it was really directed at you. Outworlders are strange though, no?" She laughed softly and looked down at the work below.
Alina: But he has changed. This certainly isn't the Agent Smith I know and love. You LIE Matt!
Kaiyu: (Matt) Oh, come on. He's a program, you're a game character; you two should be getting along great.
"I wonder if I should go talk to him?" Matt shook his head.
"When Smith is ready to accept what's going on, he'll come to you." Birdie nodded softly.
For the eighth time Smith counted the steps around the room. He'd done it so much he couldn't even remember how many steps it was.
Alina: I didn't realize that counting eight times was so exacting.
Kaiyu: Repetition isn't a very good memorization tactic either. He IS going to be tested on this.
Sometime earlier the twind had come in the room, but they had only stared at him for a moment them crawled up in their respective bunds and gone to sleep. Right now they were snoring, blissfully unaware of anything but their dreams. Below him he watched the people going on about their buisness, scurrying frantically about like hundreds of ants. Even is they did have purpose, it was meaningless. They didn't realize they were going nowhere... Here the smell was so much stronger...
(Smith) More of a crisp cinnamon and nutmeg.
I'm waiting for him to kill them.
Kaiyu: But now that he's human he can develop a sinus condition! Great!
Of course, there were more of them... Living, taking up space, procreating.... All meaningless little insects.... Running around like mindless drones.... How could they even stand themselves....
Alina: (Smith) You eat, you shit, you fuck, and then you DIE.
Kaiyu: It's the fucking part that keeps them going, obviously.
They were everywhere, all around him, like an ocean... Tugging... Pulling.... ~Grasping~ at him, sweeping him away. There were no rocks to hold onto. No lifesavers to support him. He was swimming blindly in a sea of filth, nothing to show him the way home.... Lonely...Scared.... Hating.... ~Feeling~....
Alina: (Smith) Ewww....Halmark cards! Get them away!
Kaiyu: And then the tildes came for him.
"Ey! Keep it down stranger," one of the twins muttered sleepily. He glared at her, but said nothing. She probably wouldn't hear him anyway. He held his mauled hand and walked out of the room, uncaring if he got lost and never found his way back. As he wandered through the twisting halls and up and down the many strairs, he began to wonder how they could remember their way around. It was stair after stair, room after room, hall after hall.
Alina: I'm having trouble picturing Smith holding his disembowled hand as he goes over strairs.
Kaiyu: Blah after Blah.
Alina: We have to wait for Birdie chick to come back in before the wangst can end.
Everything looked the same. But finally he stopped and leaned against a wall. At the wrong time. Someone ran right into him, scattering books everywhere. The people still moving around took no notice and kept on about their tasks. Smith glared at whoever had bumped into him. It was a tiny woman, probably no more than four or so feet tall. Her brown hair was long compared to her body and her dark green eyes glittered with cleverness.
Alina: It's a hobbit!
Kaiyu: KILL IT!
"So sorry! There now, are you okay?" she asked, gathering up the books.
"Yes." She smiled as she stacked the books back up. There were minute wrinkles in the corners of her eyes, and she seemed to have seen many years.
Alina: This is the politically correct way of saying that she's slowly turning senile from age.
Kaiyu: "Age" being nonexistent this world, of course.
Alina: I almost forgot about that!
"Well, sorry to hit ya. Can't see over these blasted books, eh? See you." She picked up the book stack and tottered away. Smith dusted himself off with his good hand and kept going. After awhile, he came up onto a roof top and found it occupied already. Birdie was sitting up there, dangling her short legs off the side and singing softly. (AN: The words are Gaelic. I'll translate the words at the end of this chapter.)
Alina: Oh great. I'll bet she's singing ENYA.
Kaiyu: PUSH HER OFF. DO SOMETHING IC. PLEASE.
"Aros i'm paid mynd 'mlaen. Aros I'm paid mynd 'mlaen. Rhiannon paid mynd 'mlaen, aros, aros. Rhiannon paid mynd 'mlaen.... Dyma hi ei gwisg yn disgleirio yn llawn o aur. Ei golwg mor dlws ei hud yn ymestyn ei afael yn gryf. 'Pwy yr wyt? Pwy yr wyt? Paid am gadael aros i mi....' Aros I'm paid mynd 'mlaen. Aros-"
Alina: (Smith) *push*
Kaiyu: And the peasatry rejoiced! And then Smith slew the peasantry!
Alina: Like TROGDOR! Burninating the peasants!
Kaiyu: But Trogdor comes only in the night. AS can party 24/7.
Alina: Beware, the obligatory Sue-description is coming up now.
Kaiyu: *PUSH PUSH PUSH*
She stopped suddenly as he stepped closer to her. Her head snapped around to see who her new visitor was. Smith was now watching her, looking her over. Her build was extremely skinny, so that she lookd underfed. Bones jutted out at odd angles in her pale skin. Her hands were also very bony. Her left hand looked somewhat deformed, as if the bones hadn't quite grown right. It was the one that trembled. Also, her face caugt his attention. Her features were rather pointed, having a short, sharp nose, high cheeks, and a slightly knit brow. Her eyes were grey, but they weren't dull. They had a certain spark in them, a sort of youthful life that couldn't be broken by a harsh life. Her hair was almost white with fawn highlights in it. It had been cut so that the longest part, her bangs, came down to the corners of her eyes. Now though, he stopped looking as she started to speak.
Alina: Let's do that quickly. I see the "oh look! she's not perfect! she's anorexic!" bit here. But it's not going to work. For one thing, Smith would not EVER be checking her out. Why the FUCK would he do that?
Kaiyu: She's bony, deformed, and has the features of a rather pointy mongoose.
Alina: Secondly, I don't think that the author really seems to be making any sense. If she's an immortal-whatsis-Gardener, then why is she deformed?
"Are you going to yell at me again?" He was surprised by the almost fearful tone in her voice.
"No, I am not going to yell." She turned back to her post and said no more. Her longish, pointed ears twitched every now and then when there was a particularly loud noise below. And her hand twitched every few seconds. That bothered him a great deal. Something had to be done about that. He sat down beside her and grasped her hand, making her jump in surprise. But again she said nothing and just let him hold it.
Kaiyu: She's really Johnny Tremain.
Alina: Okay, Smith's officially gone. He's holding hands.
Kaiyu: TOSS HER OFF!
Alina: Smith and Birdie, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Or in this case, sitting on a building.
Kaiyu: HE'S KISSING A DEFORMED FERRET GIRL.
"Why does it do that?" he asked. She thought for a moment then sighed.
"When I was little a horse stepped on it. I never got the bones set back in place so it just healed like this. I can't afford to rebreak them at any rate, or I'll never get them put back together. I think the nurse said the bones have damaged the nerves, so they tell the muscles to twitch or something."
Kaiyu: Ah. Hence the v. v. important prophetic!dream.
Alina: It's all coming together....dundundun! Although, I should point out that based on my small knowledge of bone-nerve injuries, they wouldn't be twitching. It would just hurt a lot.
Smith nodded, thinking of the dream. It didn't seem possible though, that he'd had that dream. He had no way of knowing that, none whatsoever. He refocused his wandering mind to the people below. Some of them, who he assumed to be Guardians, were using their powers to move the heavier items. The crates floated themselves to their proper position and were sat down. These Guardians... They interested him. A race within a race. A race stronger, faster, smarter, more powerful, than the others. Like the AI. And prehaps... Prehaps this Birdie could tell him more. After all, he had had a sneaking suspicion ever since he'd known her that she was different from the multitude.
Kaiyu: Of course she's different, she's an ugly!sue.
Alina: It must have been the flourescent sign that floats above her head wherever she goes.
"Diana, do you know about the Guardians?"
"Yeah. I am one. Why'd you ask?"
"What can you tell me about them?" Birdie's eyes widened a little, but she took a moment to collect her thoughts while he sat beside her.
Alina: This next part pisses me off.
Kaiyu: More than all of the rest of the story?
"Well, to know about Guardians, you need to know about the stuff surrounding us as well. Like Magic, Realms, Elements, Goddesses.... But the Guardians ourselves, I can give you a bit. To begin with, there was a First. The First descended directly from their patron goddess. I think it's more to the point that the goddesses made their own First. Each First went on to start their family. Families are divided by element mostly.
Alina: This part is passable, since it follows the usual clan-uberspesful fantasy thing that we're all used to seeing.
Okay, so the First started the family. After that, we kept growng. Every time a baby is born, they start the new generation. Well.... The mother is the old generation and the baby is the new. Generations lately have been made of three children. Thus far there have bee 114 generations, which is the one I'm part of, along with Matt and Foxy.
Kaiyu: That was mildly unintelligible, but I think I got it. Also: You do not name your child Foxy unless you have plans for her to be a stripper/porn actress, or she is a fox.
Alina: This part is unrealistic, since 114 generations would be an unbroken line spanning approximately 3000 years. If we were talking in terms of human years, that is. I don't know how long it would be in ImmortalHylian years.
There are rules we're bound by though. Every Guardian born has a Chosen somewhere in the world. If we do not become involved with ~that~ that is intended for whomever it is, we will die. Also, if we become involved with anyone but our Chosen, the person will die. The Chosen will not die without us unless they are another Guardian. Also, no Guardian or their Chosen will be.... ER, what's the word for it Smith? Not liking the oppsite sex...?"
Alina: (Birdie) I have to have sex with you or else I'll die. Also, I can fornicate with anyone else that I want, because then they'll die and the evidence'll be gone. And since we can't have ANY room for dispute or error or attempts on your part to get out of this legally binding contract, I am now obligated to include the next phrase even though no one would have even bothered to think about it unless I brought it up.
"Gay." (AN: I have nothing against gay people. It's just another rule to make sense.)
"Yes! Thank you. They cannot be gay. Because another rule set on us is that we must continue the Guardian line, or else we won't get stronger and the evil will.
Alina: *pissed off*
Alina: This is SO Victorian-medieval-uber-elitist-wacko.
Kaiyu: No, it's Hi-I'm-A-Homophobic-Author-But-I-Want-To-Seem-PC.
Alina: That too.
And you know that spells trouble. Also, we cannot abet the evil in any way or we're in serious trouble..... Well, as Matt told you, Guardians are made differently. Our bodies are more made to adept to either fighting or our element. Also, the gene pool is kinda random. Stuff from a hundred years ago has been known to pop up suddenly. And we have been known to mutate drastically, mostly to fit a prophecy or something. Mostly the mutations are stuff like a cat-humanoid, or wings.
Kaiyu: Augh. They're like the Newmen from Phantasy Star.
Alina: And now we get our cop-out clauses that clearly show that this person has no knowledge of genetics (of COURSE stuff from 100 years back can arise in our genetic profiles!).
Kaiyu: LET'S MAKE UP LOTS OF RULES AND COMBINE THEM TO MAKE US REALLY SUPER COOL.
Alina: If she sprouts angel wings anytime soon, I'm going to kill something.
Pretty much stuff like that. And what Matt said was mostly true. We ~are~ born a little faster, a little smarter, a little more powerful. Stronger isn't always true physically. Some of us, me being one of them, are kind of sickly or weak. But our Elemental powers are more developed. So... That's what we are." Smith nodded.
(Smith) So If I tossed you off the roof you'd die more easily?
(Birdie) Well, yes, I supp- AUGH!
"You spoke of prophecy... Why am I here? Obviously not by accident." Birdie wrinkled her nose.
"Well... You see... You're part of a prophecy. The writings in the Book of Secrets talked of a perfect peacekeeper living in Earth-within-an-Earth. This peacekeeper, so it said, could be anyone they wanted... So we kept an eye on the Matrix once it popped up, and we eventually figure it out to be you.
Alina: Uh....honey? Smith wasn't the perfect Agent. He was flawed because he developed a psychotic side. He then gets alienated at the end of the first movie by Brown and Jones and probably would've been deleted had Neo not deleted him.
Kaiyu: This is so asinine that it hurts.
Alina: Do we even want to bother going any further, or has our point been made? It's not like we can't predict where this is going.
Kaiyu: AND THEN THEY MADE BABIES.
The prophecy goes on to say that the peacekeeper is part of the Catalyst. The magical half of the Catalyst is human, imperfect, warm, loving. The nonmagical part of the Catalyst is mechanical, perfect, cold, ruthless. You see, they represent both sides of the spectrum, two oppsites. When the time comes, you, the nonmagical half, will be judged good or evil. Then the little crystal in you will be removed and it will be placed in one door of the Sygnet. Then the magical half will be judged good or evil, depending on her life and influences. The magical half will then be placed in the other door. If it's good, then the crystal will keep the doors from opening. If it's bad, then they will open the doors and destroy everything. We don't know who the magical half is yet. We know it's one of us, a Tabeth. But that's all. That's why you're here. To fufill your part of the prophecy. It's your destiny."
Kaiyu: It's the CIRCLE OF LIFE!
Alina: Translation: Through the magical (i.e. perfect Diana half) absolution, we will SAVE THE UNIVERSE!
"What will happen to me once the crystal is removed?" Birdie thought for a moment.
"Well, you might pass out, but I doubt anything too serious. You're, not to be mean, you're just like a battery. You're powering the magical one until the time comes, then you're out of the deal. You can go home. Back to the way everything was." Smith nodded and looked up at the sky.
Kaiyu: (SAILOR BIRD) WE SHALL PROTECT THE SILVER MILLENNIUM KINGDOM OF HYRULE!
Alina: Well gee, isn't that nice.
Kaiyu: (TUXEDO SMITH) *Tosses code.*
Alina: I was thinking the same thing! Crystal-Farore Silver Moon POWER MAKE-UP!
"What will happen to the other?"
"She'll die." Smith nodded and unconsciously laid his broken hand in his lap.
Alina: ...And then she'll be canonized as a saint in the Church of Matrix Sues.
(Birdie) *Cuddles up* You know, even though you ARE a battery... Batteries power
VERY useful things. *wink wink*
CAN WE GUESS WHO THIS WILL BE? HMMMMM.
Alina: Oh gee, I WONDER. Could it be any HARDER to figure out?
Kaiyu: Could it be the chick with the Christ Complex?
Alina: The one that looks like a mongoose?
Kaiyu: Oh, HER.
"Hey, what'd you do to your hand?" He looked up suddenly, and then at his hand.
"Nothing." She quirked an eyebrow at him.
"I wasn't born yesterday. You've broken it, haven't you?" He avoided her eyes.
"No." She laughed softly.
"You're lying, I smell it." She looked intently into his eyes, seeming to see even through the shades.
"Fine. It is broken." She nodded seriously and wriggled her other hand free from his (he had gradually tightened his grip so that it was actually rather comfortable to Birdie) and began gently feeling of the hurt limb.
Alina: She's going to heal the Smithy-poos broken wing. :3
Kaiyu: And then let it fly free.
"Yeah, it's broken... You've also got some stuff dislocated. What in the name of Farore did you do to it?"
Alina: She ACTUALLY mentioned something related to the Zelda fandom! :O
He remained silent. She gently took his battered hand in hers and began moving her fingers, pressing down gently and rubbing in a circular pattern. A sheer golden glow surrounded his hand and he felt the bones moving back into place. But the strangest part was that it didn't hurt. It just felt strange and a bit unsettling.
Alina: Yes. Fusing bones like that isn't going to hurt ONE BIT.
Kaiyu: Ho hum.
"Healing is pretty useful," she said as an explination. He looked at his hand and then flexed it. Everything worked perfectly.
"Why can't you heal yourself?" Birdie shrugged.
"It's just always been so that a Healer cannot heal themself. I don't know why. It's kinda unfair, isn't it?"
".... There are a lot of rules." She smiled.
Alina: (Birdie) Like the one that says that if you say the word "potato," you have to toss salt over your shoulder three times and do a jig.
Kaiyu: I'd like it if the author would write her story so we could actually be able to tell who's saying what.
"Yep. But it'll always be that way, everywhere. May as well get used to it." Smith was watching the action below and didn't hear her last words. A small horde of flying, glowing lights had flown in and were all chattering at once.
"What are those?"
"Fairies.... I wonder what's up? They're our spies and all... But they've never been this upset.... Navi! Naaavviiii! Dai! Up here!" (dai- yes/interjection) A blue and white fairy flew up to them.
Alina: Oh GOD. Doesn't she know that Navi is highly unliked because she's such a PEST?!
Kaiyu: NOOOOOOOO. NOT NAVI.
"Oh! Oh! It's terrible! Listen! They've set their minions loose! Or they're talking it about it! Oh dear, dear.... Look! That black cloud over there... It's just like when I was with Link.... This is NOT good.! Not good at all...."
"There there Navi. I'm sure things will be okay. Go and get some rest. You're stressed." Navi flew away and left them.
"Navi's the oldest fairy among them. She's kinda high-strung, but very useful and knowledgible... These fairies though... They belong to Kokiris... I wonder what they're doing this far North? Our spies don't have Kokiri..."
"Kokiri?" he asked.
Alina: Well, the fandom's coming back into the scene. FINALLY.
Kaiyu: At least half of it.
The half players of the game didn't like very much.
(Alina smacks Navi)
"The Kokiri are a child race. They're given a fairy at birth and never grow older than ten or eleven. They do die though, if they leave the forest.... Hey! Why don't you go and see them? The Lost Woods are a great place to go if you want to be alone. I'll take you there... If you want me to." She lowered her head a bit, as if he were going to scold her. For several moments he looked at the bustling multitudes below, then turned to Birdie.
Alina: Yes. Let's put Smith in the middle of a forest full of eternal children. Highly intelligent move.
Kaiyu: (Smith) "NO." *tosses Birdie.*
"Take me there." She stood up and so did he. She took his hands in her tiny ones and a blue-green light surrounded them. He felt himself being sucked along again, but now Birdie was guiding him. She took him down and through a small wooden portal.
Alina: She's got more powers than the freaking Ocarina of Time.
When they landed, they were in a small village. Everything screamed 'wood'. The houses were made of wood and so was everything else. And true to Birdie's word, many small children walked around, all with fairies following them and wearing green tunics. Above one large circular house was another wooden portal, and directly in front of them, across a small pond, was yet another.
Kaiyu: I'm so tired of this Sue and there's 17 more chapters.
"The Lost Woods are this way," she said, leading him up the ledges and to the portal. In front of it stood a scraggly young boy with a spoiled expression on his face.
"Move it Mido," she said rudely.
"No. You can't come in unless-" He never finished his sentence. Birdie bashed him over the head with a nearby stick and stepped over him.
"Now wasn't that easy," she said dryly and led Smith into the Lost Woods.
Kaiyu: ( I pick the next fic. >E )...WTF
Kaiyu: Of course it would be easy if you just KILLED everyone who disagreed with you, Birdie. You're turning into Smith. WTF.
Alina: I think she's trying to express some pent-up frustration with Mido that comes out of Ocarina. Heaven knows I wanted to do that.
"This is it. Look out for little people wearing skull masks. They hate adults. Avoid them." He nodded and walked along with her as she showed him around. For several minutes they walked in silence, listening to the mysterious music being played from somewhere deep in the forest. Suddenly they heard what sounded like a scream from behind them.
Kaiyu: Which was probably a scream.
Alina: It was a little closer to a shriek.
"What in the.... Smith, stay here. I'm going to check it out." She ran off into another portal. Smith stood there, listening. The music had stopped and eerie silence ensued. He couldn't hear Birdie moving or anything but his own heart hammering in his ears. Slowly, though, he became aware of a noise, like shuffling and sniffing.
Kaiyu: I wasn't really aware Smith HAD a heart. Or organs.
Alina: He's human now, remember?
Kaiyu: I know.
It was coming nearer to him. He couldn't see what it was, or where. But it sounded close. He decided he didn't want to wait and see. He started walking quickly ahead, not looking back. Whatever it was stayed behind him. He felt for his gun, but it was gone. He realized it must have fallen out when he landed in Hyrule Field. Now he increased his pace to a light run.
Smith is afraid of a sniffling entity. What's wrong with this picture?
(Smith) Get it away! It has cooties!
Kaiyu: Spooky little anteaters.
For awhile he continued, taking doors randomly and listening vainly for another noise or another person. No avail. At last he came upon a large maze though, and at the end he could make out what looked like a temple. And in temples, weren't there monks or something? As strange as it seems, right now he would be glad to see a human, or even another living thing. Suddenly though, he didn't wish it. With a bellowing cry, a large, pig-looking thing charged at him, a long spear aimed right at his chest. He stood there, in the path of the hurtling spear, frozen completely in fear....
Alina: Ah. She's integrating Wind Waker.
Kaiyu: The Image of Agent Smith frozen in Fear is not easily conjured in my mind.
Alina: I still can't imagine Smith being afraid. I mean, did he ever really rely on his gun? Certainly not in Reloaded - look at the Burly Brawl. And....here ends our venture into the implausible crossover. It doesn't revolt me like a bad meal, so I'll leave it with an F. The chick might have a career in fantasy realm writing, but not here. Stick to the Original Fiction, hun.
Kaiyu: I agree. F. I said everything I needed to say in my review of the story, which is good, because I'd probably be a LOT meaner here than there. Maddie?
I give it a burninate, not a nuke. This fic was pure and utter trash. First
of all, the fact that they A. tried to humanize an Agent, made me sick to my
gut, ESPECIALLY when the Agent in question is Agent Smith, the one Agent who
hates all of mankind more than... I dunno...The Oklahoma Bomber or something.
B. Mary Sue galore make me want to vomit even more. However, to keep it from a nuke, the fic had some redeeming qualities For one, there weren't as many grammatical errors in this fic and as Kaiyu has stated at least the Sue was less than perfect (I dunno how that was possible.) And Smith was at least semi in canon in the very beginning of the fic.
This fic selection currently contains 38 obvious spelling mistakes that could've been easily corrected by SPELLCHECK!